The chair is warmed with the sitting, the desk snowed upon in an avalanche of lined white. Rumpled lists, haphazard plans, pens scribbling and myself, more and more overwhelmed.
The last day of December, the closing of 2008~ a day and year never to be relived outside of memories~ is also one of my ritual days, spent reevaluating where I am and where I ought to be and setting myself up for a more successful year. 2008 has been the year of most growth that I may have ever had. In my LIFE. 2008 was the road I trudged along as my eyes (and heart) were slowly opened to my own hypocrisy, my own rash (and foolish) judgements, naivety, and ill-founded trust. I sit here, at my desk and ponder the depth of who I am now-from the woman I was at the start of this year and I am an entirely different woman.
My perceptions of government have changed, economy, of finances, of worship, sustainability, of covenant children, of healthcare, even of celebrating CHRISTMAS, for goodness' sake! I believe whole-heartedly that we are living our lives in a more pleasing and God-honoring way than ever before...and yet....
I lived my life up until this point, not realizing the need for my life to change. Living my life without knowledge of a NEED to grow in those areas. How many things am I faithfully (or not so faithfully) screwing UP on without realizing it? I am reminded now, as I reflect, how it is NEVER a good idea to become so content with yourself that you never find it necessary for introspection. How many adults find themselves living the SAME life they have lived for twenty years? The characters might have changed, but the storyline is the same as ever? Those adults are missing the point. They are missing the fact that NO one is perfect. EVERY day~ EVERY year~ EVERY moment of our lives we can change something~ for the better. We can become more Holy. We can become more sanctified. Our jobs are never done, our expectations of ourselves ought never to be fulfilled. Our lives SHOULD look different every year because we ought to getting a different perspective as we draw nearer to God.
This time of year, while some reject the notions of resolutions proclaiming loudly that they are at best futile and at worst a waste of time, I sit quiety and ponder how far I've come on my journey and humbly recognize how very far I still need to go. I draw my roadmap for the coming year~outlining all those areas that I ought to visit, for how can we get to where we need to be without a plan? I write my lists of provisions (after all, a long journey requires some preparation for success), lists that will help me to succeed and make the path more tolerable.
I would rather make my resolutions and not get as far as I would have hoped than to not make any and get nowhere.
Those things I spoke about that have recently been revealed to me? Those things require work. Real work. Hard work. CHANGE. Recognizing how MUCH change is necessary is both humbling and overwhelming. Recognizing that those things listed are only the tip of the iceburg? That is just depressing. It doesn't take monumental shifts in perspective to realize how far short you have fallen. You needn't look that far, or that hard.
"MY SON, GIVE ME THINE HEART AND LET THINE EYES OBSERVE MY WAYS."
The hearts of my children are turned toward me and they DO observe. And that frightens me to no end. They see me stumble. They see me fail, sometimes without my even realizing it. The IMPORT of those words stop me in my tracks. If only I were a more accurate representation of what it means to be a person of God.
How far have I led my children astray with my own foolishness? How many times have I set them up to sin themselves, when I didn't control my tongue or act with wisdom? When did I muddy the water of their priorities with the sludge of my own misguided priorities? I can not count the time I have taught them IMPATIENCE and SHORTNESS of temper. These little people are my mission field and at times I feel as though I am screwing it ALL UP. I feel as though the Lord might be better off without me on His side.
"For you, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, and abundant in mercy to all those who call upon you."
Yes. There is MUCH to change in my life, much work to be done.
This coming year I do not pretend that I will 100% succeed at all of the things I intend to work on, nor am I so foolish as to say that I will even master them. It is interesting that each year, the stops on my roadmap are often revisited, but at the end of every year I DO see change for the better. PROGRESS is what I am after. IMPROVEMENT. Even just one step forward is still one that draws me closer to God.
I am lying in the quicksand, the muck and the mire~ but my eyes are fixed toward Heaven. It can be done.
Lord, Cause me to know the way in which I should walk...