So-we go outside when we must early in the morning (to feed the starved plants their drinks, to hang clothes on the line to dry in just minutes, and to pick berries from along the roadside). The rest of the time, we are staying inside. But even INSIDE it is hot. Actually, probably MORE SO than outside because it lacks even the small gift of wind. The only bearable part in this house is the basement, and so here I am. Dawdling. Avoiding doing ANYTHING necessary, instead doing the ABSOLUTE unnecessary. But, I have had a few things to say for a while, so I might as well get them off my chest, and off my mind.
Like many others, when I first began blogging, I found great joy in finally having a voice that could reach outside of my typical, homely four walls and gathered my soapboxes with avengence. I could finally be heard and so I wasn't going to shut up. I had to voice all my opinions and all my theories-because, after all, I was RIGHT. About it ALL. (Of course, every other blog writer who writes on soapboxes thinks the same thing...) But then, as I read more and more blogs, I noticed that so many people took this new found freedom to extremes. THEY wanted to teach. PREACH. convict and convince-and by doing so, would they had elevated themselves. It disgusted me. And worse yet, I was one of them.
About the time of that revelation, I told myself-NO LONGER. This blog is going to be about my family. My joys. My creations. Us. NOT my theories. After all, WHO AM I to know all these answers? It was pride, pure and simple. So, I stopped. I stopped posting about my theories on breastfeeding and the Christian life. And I have avoided writing about anything 'controversial' ever since. Even though I am no less convinced I am right, for me. :-)
I wrote all that just to say, that while I shy away from posting such serious topics that might be met with great disagreement most of the time, I will break my own rule today. I have been taken aback by my own revelation. It happened several days ago and has not been far from me ever since.
A man stopped by the house to visit a few days back. He brought with him his new fiancee and a tape he had made in Tennessee at a real-live studio. I was casually joking with the couple, with Andrew on my hip and Corynn wrapped around my leg, and said "Corynn-remember this guy, he's gonna be famous! He's gonna make his mark on the world!" And then, the words that came from this stupid girl were, "I am gonna be famous for making babies and raising them." But I said it in some apologetic, sad way.
WHY?
WHY did I say it that way? Why did I make it appear as though I had 'settled' in life, when truly and deeply-I have never felt ONE BIT of remorse. My life is WONDERFUL! More wonderful than I could have EVER asked for or even imagined. I couldn't answer my own question until it hit me. I said it because THAT is what people want to hear. Surely a woman who just has babies couldn't be HAPPY. And so...rather than speak the truth and be met with disbelief and disdain, I spoke what they wanted to hear.
And even as the last word left my lips, I was sorry I had responded in that way. Because my two treasures, glued to me 24 hours a day, seven days a week, might have heard the (albeit false) remorse in their Mama's voice and they might have felt sadness that they had caused it. Or they might have tucked it away for when they are older so that they might avoid 'settling' as I had. Praise God my children are but mere babes and will not be permenantly scarred from it. Praise GOD I learned my lesson before any damage was done.
I think it is an outright, blatent, LIE to think that women who stay at home and "make and raise babies" don't make their mark on the world. We are making and raising FUTURE LEADERS to RULE the world! How much greater a mark can we leave?!? As for now, I have two children, who will grow old and have families of their own. Matt and I will have expanded God's kingdom by three familes-(and hopefully more!)-and our children's children will grow old, have family and each of THEIR children will increase God's kingdom.
So, for the record: I am not telling these, my own truths, to you-spouting off that TODAY you should realize the power you have over the next generation, or that you should watch the words you speak-that you ONLY train our children to believe the RIGHT things, or that you should avoid lying, for it is a sin. Or that actions speak louder than words. Or even that Mothers (and fathers) leave a most monumental mark on the world.
I am saying these things to myself. Because these things are too important for me to ever forget again.
8 comments:
It is interesting that is the kind of questions I have been asking myself lately too. "What do we accept as ok if it is modern and cool?" We sometimes also reject things when they are the opposite of modern or cool. Well I want to stand beside you and say that there are no better jobs than that of "Child of God", "Wife of husband", and Mother of Children" We have all at times accidentally apologize for being any one of those. But what a valuable lesson you learned, and reminded us all of. God Bless.
I have to agree with Mrs. Hurzeler. Being a wife, a mother, and a teacher is what I've wanted to be since I was 10 years old. No, I didn't go to school to be a teacher, but I am a wife, I have 4 beautiful and healthy children and I do homeschool my children and I try my best to serve God every day. God is so good. What more could I ask for?
I, like you, have laughingly said something just like you did. Thank you for reminding me of what a blessed life I lead. It is something I think of and pray about and thank the good Lord for each day.
Have a wonderful Thursday.
P.S. I love the picture of sleeping Corynn. I used to sleep that way when I was little and I have a photo of myself at around that age, on my twin bed, that my father took.
Oh, I know...sometimes when I've said something I've wondered, "Where did THAT come from?" Then I've become upset with myself.
Sometimes we just say things because we're tired, too. :)
My daughter was just here with her four children (newborn to age five) and I kept telling her how much I admire her ability to handle them. She admits she has good days and bad days.
God, in His wisdom, gave me my children twelve years apart. At the time I did not understand. Now I do.
Oh Rebecca...bless your heart. Too many times we do say what we think the listener wants to hear, what they think you would say, because they wouldn't understand how your really feel.
I have stayed at home & I can honestly say that staying at home is the hardest job in the world & the most rewarding. We get to be there for all the " firsts" - for all the great days & all the not so great days. I admire you for being able to admit to yourself the things you see & don't like & commit to changing them. (not that I tho't they needed changing =) ..) Have a great day. Victoria =)
I too have had those days when something comes out of my mouth and I immediately wonder why did I say that? That's not how I really feel. The truth is that I love staying home with our daughter and homeschooling her. It's one of the most difficult, but rewarding jobs that I could ever have. Taking care of my hubby and our home is the other ;)
I am VERY happy to hear that I am not the only one who has done such a silly thing, for if I had been, I would have felt 10 times worse.
Thanks for all your comments!
Great post; perfect picture accompaniment.
Rebecca, I have done the same thing, only in a completely different context. I have acted ashamed to NOT be staying home while talking to some of my SAHM friends! They were all poo-pooing me for putting Amelia in daycare (2 days a week) so I could finish my PhD and I don't know why I didn't stand up to them.
Luckily, Amelia is the same age as Andrew and she does not remember. I will watch my tongue after this. After I said it, I just kept shaking my head at myself. I am proud to be completing my doctorate, I have been in college for nearly 8 years for this very reason! I want Amelia to be proud as well, and not feel that I regretted the work because of her.
However, I just want you to know that BOTH sides of motherhood encounter these emotions. Above all, it is important to work hard and be proud of your work. I am amazed at all you do and you are a stellar example of womanhood!
As silly as it sounds, your blog is another thing you do that is very inspirational. :)
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