The Month That Was: October

October, swampy, muddy, soaking mess; the capstone to a wet and mucky summer after a wet and swampy spring.  The yard splatters with each step, brown and splotchy.  All is rot.  The ground soaks and the mud pulls you down, down, down in the muck.

Outside, very much like my insides.  I struggle with the muck, struggle to get free, but I'm pulled down and down.

These last few months have felt like years.  Three months.  Only three months?  I haven't breathed in three months.  My eyes flutter, I blink.  Time to make supper.  My eyes flutter, I blink.  Ineke asks for a story.

 I've been quiet here because how can you put despair into words?  The story continues but the next chapter never comes- just the perpetual last paragraph- the cliffhanger.  The angst.  The questions that pull at me- the worry- the wonder of it all.   Was it the fruit that tempted Eve or the knowledge of God?  I am Eve but it is no apple I crave.  I want the knowledge of God- I want to understand how He thinks.  What His plan is.  I want to know what comes next.  I want to know WHY He does what He does and allows what He allows and doesn't allow what He doesn't. 

But I am a dog under the table, eating crumbs. 

I know that God sees the big picture and I cannot understand it (and shouldn't expect to) and that everything is for His glory and my good.  I know that in my head.  I keep telling myself that over and over.  It is like C.S.Lewis in A Grief Observed- "Feelings and feelings and feelings.  Let me try thinking instead." 

I listened to this sermon and it took my breath away.  And then I listened again.  And again.  The best sermon I've heard.  Ever.  Thank you, God, for that sermon. 

The one thing I took away from that sermon- remember who God is.  Remember how God works.  And so I try to remember that God works in a way that is OPPOSITE of what we would often say.  He often tears down/divides/breaks apart things not to destroy/tear down/break apart but so that He can make something MORE glorious.  He moves from darkness to light, from glory to MORE glory.  He says to Gideon- "I don't want your 33,000 soldiers- I only want these 300" and we think WHAT?!?!  WHY would He do that!?!  But for His Glory.  He creates the world and calls it good and then goes ahead and divides it up again.  WHY?!  Didn't You just say it was good?  Why do you have to go messing with it again?  To make it better- to make it MORE glorious.  He makes a man in His image and then He breaks him open and we think- WHY are you breaking that perfectly good man?   And then we see His glory as woman is formed.   He moves from good to better- that is His way. 

So I keep saying the truth out loud- I keep preaching to myself while I wait for my heart to mend.  To quiet the emotions that scream inside me. This story.  Their story, my story doesn't need to make sense to me...I just need to remember His nature is to make MORE glorious.  And I have to trust that.

I'm failing pretty miserably, but I'm working on it.

Meanwhile- I need to BLINK my life back into focus.  I need to stop losing myself in my thoughts and worries.  I need to be present and accountable for what He has given me right now, right in front of me before I can possibly ask for more. 

To that end (and this sounds silly, I know), I am going to make it an effort to blog more.  Maybe even daily.  That would be a change (but don't quote me on it)!  Maybe until Thanksgiving?  There is much to be thankful for and so much of it is right in front of my face.  May I have the eyes to see and ears to hear.

I need to decide to see what is right in front of me and there is nothing more encouraging in that regard than a camera- whose pinprick of light can help bring life sharply into focus. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pictured:

~ Our wood supply awaits
~ Ruby's puppies grow and are sold and the farm is silent of darling puppy antics and sounds
~ Andrew gets braces and a "braced" friend carves him a pumpkin to celebrate
~ We harvest and eat the last of the beautiful tomatoes
~ With a few batches to can, to boot!
~ Hayrides with Grandma and Grandpa
~ Pumpkin farm traditions with Nanny and Auntie Beth
~ an emptying canning cupboard- and I did almost nothing to restock it this year
~ a chalkboard that speaks to me
~ cabbage and squash and candlelight suppers
~ a goat boy
~ bouquets of homegrown flowers that far surpass flower shops