What Do You Do When Your Heart Is Breaking

Moses made this bouquet all by himself (except for the additional of a few extra marigolds) while saying "Nonny.  Nonny."

You make flower bouquets.   And pray.  And get lost in your thoughts.  And are utterly incapable of keeping your mind from going back to those dark places of fear.

My Mom is currently fighting for her life in a hospital due to complications from C0vid and she is doing so utterly alone.  She has been in for almost a whole week with no visitors allowed until yesterday and is getting progressively worse.  Communication is hard for her so we are all left with a few short texts every now and again...and a whole lot of blank space to fill with worry and fear.

Unable to go to her in body, I determined to fill up her hospital room with flowers.  Will the orange and red zinnias remind her of Oma?  Will the smell of lemon verbena bring life to a dreadful day?  Will the pineapple sage mask the smell of the hospital?  Will the marigolds brighten her spirits- she has always loved marigolds.  Is she so sick it won't matter?   It was for me too... a tangible thing to do when praying is constant but fingers itch to do some outworking. 

I delivered them to the hospital and turned around and left a Mother I couldn't see.  

I could tell you about giants and how God can overcome them.  That His plans are to do good to us and not harm.  I tell myself this every moment.

I could tell you that God is faithful to His people and hears and answers prayers,  I remind myself of this too.

I could wax poetic about how our God is the God who shuts lions' mouths and saves people from fiery furnaces...nothing is impossible with God.  I know this is true.

But as I say these truths on repeat to myself throughout the day and into each fitful night, the next moment I remember that sometimes God answers prayers with NO.  That 'our good' may mean in this case for Mom to go to Heaven to be with Him.  And that His mercies may not include longer life here on a pain and sin-riddled world, but to leave it for something far greater.

I am trying to get to the place where I can pray "Thy will be done" without the extra "but please Lord, let thy will be HEALING!"

I haven't gotten there yet.  

Any prayers you would join me in praying would be so appreciated!