Joy of Joys

 It has been so touch and go with Mom in the ICU for these last four+ weeks that I haven't felt like I could breathe.  She has been in a medically-induced coma and on a ventilator for over a month.  A week or so before that, she was still struggling in the hospital.  Six+ weeks of holding my breath.  Last week I was sucker-punched again when doctors and nurses were worried about brain function because while her body was 'ready' to be less sedated, when they lowered most of her sedation, Mom still wasn't "waking up".  Doctors were ordering cat scans and felt the need to test for brain activity.

Worrying about her lungs took so much of my time, it hadn't occurred to me that I might need to worry also for her brain.  

When I went to visit her on Saturday, I was just praying for a blink.  Eyes open.  SOMETHING.  And I admit, I was jealous when I passed other ICU rooms and saw people moving their legs and heads.  Each of my weekly visits had me singing and massaging a very still and unresponsive woman.

 When I got into Mom's room- what I saw made me bubble over with laughter and joy and tears and dancing!  She was not only blinking, she was watching every movement the nurse was making.  She turned her head to find me when she heard me laugh.  And through the tears and laughter, I confessed to her my thoughts of jealousy for the other patients' being able to move their legs and feet.  And do you know what she did?  She started shaking her feet!  Not only could she hear and understand, she could respond and was trying to encourage ME.  What a lady.

Words cannot express my elation in being able to talk to her and have her give the tiniest little nods of her head in response.  Words cannot express what those wagging feet mean to me.  I think I exhaled for the first time in a month last Saturday.

Knowing Mom could very well die these last few weeks, I have been actively practicing finding things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. The most powerful thing I have been able to be thankful for is FRIENDSHIP.   I am quite certain I would have shattered entirely without the kindness of the people I love and who love me- who have been willing to walk alongside me in this horrible valley. 

 I've always known Matt would stand by me and support me and help me- because he has always been that wonderful. (And I am always so thankful for him and do not take him for granted.)

What I DIDN'T know was that my dear and sweet wonderful friends would rally around me and be so willing to sacrifice their already preciously-limited time and resources on my behalf.  So many wonderful friends willing to walk hard roads, willing to be uncomfortable and not know what to say, letting me cry and loving me even then.

From emails, cards and care packages, to comments here on the blog, to prayers and meals and jars of sunflowers...  several of my friends have even welcomed my own children into their folds to be mothered by them as I have been needed so often each week in other places.

Yes, it was and is my sweet and wonderful friends that I have been most thankful for this Thanksgiving.  

And Praise the Lord!  

Added to those marvelous gifts, this Thanksgiving I can also be thankful for faint nods, recognition, Moms' blue eyes staring back at me, an eyebrow raise and feet dancing at the end of the bed.  

My Mom has such a hard row to hoe and being conscious of her inabilities will be excruciating for her.  Her muscles have atrophied so much that she in unable to move almost anything (except feet, apparently!)  She went to sleep over a month ago and woke up in a place where she cannot speak, cannot use the bathroom, cannot eat or drink or even move her limbs.  And now she knows it.  

Doctors anticipate many, many more weeks of hospitalization and so we are entering into a new season of 'hard'.

Please continue praying for her and us all as we continue to navigate these deep waters... knowing that the Lord is in control of all things and gives us the strength to endure to the end the race that He has set before us.

Speaking of thanks: 

A friend of my Mom's set up a gofundme page for my parents, and I was floored to see so many giving money on their behalf...I even recognized some of the names on there as those dear and wonderful readers of my blog!  Thank you so, so much... you know who you are.  What you can't know is how much it means to me that you would do such a thing!