October 10th

 

 

 

A lot of things. 

A lot of things to think about. 

I grapple with the fact that it is nearing MID-OCTOBER.  How did this happen?  Where does the time go?  Grappling too with the feeling a failure in a good many goals I had set for myself this year.  I seem to have back peddled after such a fine start to the year, in so many ways.  Always behind.  Never arrived.

A child, mine, who was a too near-miss for that car.  The voice that cries for me in the night... "Mama!  Mama!" and the smile that dreams of the kiss I just gave.  A beautiful friend, glowing and graceful and gloriously 40++ weeks pregnant who labors in love with every breath that she takes for her family.  Quiet Strength.  Another who has been given a likely death-sentence with a single, solitary word.  CANCER.  He travails in trust.  Dares to hope.  Leans heavily upon Him who knows his every breath.  Married couples bristle in anger, in pain...in isolation.  And others who have such joy and happiness and hope.   First babies to new Mama's being born a few days before 11th babies are born to silver crowned Mama's and more good is given.  More opportunities to change the world.  People who I love- who need Jesus.  But a person can't force others to cast off themselves and cling to Him.  The incredible beauty written everywhere.  In the patterns of sunflower seeds and the etching of wings, in the lines of squash and the colors of cosmos. Children scream in just that way that is so familiar to my own ears and I hear my own voice in their screams.  They lose their temper and I know where it comes from.  Why can they be not blind to our failings?  Why can't they replicate only the good?  Why must they see the ugly?  How totally are Matt and I screwing this whole parenting thing up?  The flaming orange and reds painting trees in flames of color, then dropping, dead and burned to the ground.

Magnificent pain.  And appalling beauty.  How can a mind fit all of these Big Things?

I don't know the answer.  So I press apples into cider.  I hang laundry.  We squeeze learning into every nook and cranny and go on field trips.  I make food and read stories and crochet innocence in yarn and I kiss goodnight.  I do...on the outside and inwardly... I think.

And sometimes, without any warning at all, I am overcome.

* Pictures of:  my much loved brother and sister in law in their amazing house/gardens, baby hats for new little people, and cider making, mostly.  The leftover apple bits in the jar are making apple cider vinegar.  And the book is wonderful.  Truly.

~ kcco ~