Momentary Break

Since this is my memoir of sorts, I avoid (at all costs) posting things about awards, contests and stuff.

But the thing is...

I really, really *Really, **REALLY** want to win this one!

My friend has one of these wraps and every time she puts it on for her munchkin (which is often), I turn green...SERIOUSLY-GREEN with envy.

Wouldn't Adele' love to be snug as a bug in one of these? My shoulders and back would be too.

They are wonderful. Truly.

So, by all means: go and enter for one yourself~

the only requirement is that if you WIN, you gift it to me.

Pretty please?!?!

Kissable

The tradition lives on~ beard in winter, clean-shaven for birthday presents...only this year, I got the surprise of a lifetime when Matt walked out of the bathroom one fine evening and shocked the socks off me with his handsome, smooth face. Four full days BEFORE his birthday!

This man is turn-your-head, heart pitter-pat gorgeous with or without a beard~but I just love to be able to feel SKIN when we kiss and not coarse beard hairs. JUST me.

That got me to thinking...am I the only one?!?

Let's test the theory...

Nope, it seems unanimous.

Spring Cleaning?

I can hardly call it "nesting" anymore, but somehow the cleaning bug bit me. That is one bug I don't mind getting bit by, especially at the end of the day when I can look proudly on at all I've accomplished.

I've tackled our bedroom, cleaning it from top to bottom. Moving furniture around, sweeping under the bed, dusting, and all THAT jazz. I even washed the windowsills I've been neglecting since we moved in. Yes, there was still construction work dust around them. I tell myself that I kept it there for posterity's sake. Yeah, that's it.

I took EVERYTHING out of my kitchen cupboards and cleaned them out really well (I won't tell you what all I found down there-and just in the 6 months we've been living here, too!), sorted through needed/not needed and reorganized. Golly it looks spiffy in my kitchen now and that makes me happy, since you know~ I still don't have doors to HIDE messes!

And the other b.i.g project I've been meaning to tackle~sorting and doing a pantry inventory. It took quite a while but the pantry is orderly and accounted for. I'm surprised at how quickly things can add up.

Also~ since this closet is all-purpose, all my wrapping things were a mess too. I came up with this clever but not-quite ingenious way to store wrapping paper....

Just make two equal-length loops and weave wrapping paper rolls in them.

The ribbon contraption keeps the rolls from unrolling and crinkling, makes the rolls easy to retrieve and gives you opportunity to see just what you have to work with~not to mention, takes no room at all! If nothing else, the bright colors detract from the ugliness of the old wall that OUGHT to have been repainted when the cupboards were painted. Oh, that's right. I never FINISHED the cupboards.
Anywho....


I'm feeling pretty good about all that I've accomplished and it actually makes me look forward to the many OTHER projects that need tackling in the next few days. The biggest? The OFFICE/Library.

The best part of all?

I did it all with the first open window of the season.

May there be MANY more in our future!

van der Jagts

On Friday, I loaded up my children and hitchhiked a ride with my mom to visit Oma and Opa.

Would you believe Oma and Opa hadn't yet met Adele'?!?

I'd been meaning to go out there-but with the holidays, visitors and every OTHER weekend being devoted to splitting wood to heat this monstrosity we call "home"~ it just hasn't worked out on the weekends. Then, Mom and I planned for several weeks to go-but week after week Oma would beg us not to come because she was too ill or too tired.

Finally, in frustration, I told Mom we ought not wait until she is feeling better, because the truth of the matter is, she probably won't. The truth is~ she is dying.

Cancer. Remission. Cancer. Remission. Her whole life has been a fight~ with uncaring, unfeeling disease spreading more and more throughout her body, stealing from her energy, wellness and forcing the sacrifice of even her own body. Her teeny five-foot frame holds within it a gigantic will and an incredible strength though, that unleashed, has made her a worthy adversary.

But on Friday, when we went into the Retirement facility meeting room, her exhaustion was written on her withered face. In her eighties now, she continues to fight...only this time the fight happens to be with one of the most devastating cancers (esophageal),with a weakened heart to boot and with no energy at all, since the simple task of EATING food has become a chore.

My six-foot tall frame bent down to kiss her and in doing so, grasped her upper arm and frighteningly felt bone covered with soft, draping skin. Clothing costumes skeleton when fat cannot. My laugh was jovial but inwardly I groaned. Her upper arm felt like my wrist and there she stood.

Throughout lunch I laughed and chatted with others, but stole secret glances at Oma and caught her furrowed brow and exhausted deepset eyes as she tried to muster the energy to get through the lunch. When someone looked, she smiled. She tried so hard to make it, to get through the visit but the truth is, she was worn out.

I told her I'd like to get some photos of her and Opa holding Adele' but worried she wouldn't have the strength so I told her Corynn could hold the baby sitting next to her. But that giant spirit flashed out of the tiny frame and told me "Ach, NO. I'll hold her!" So she did, smiling all the while.

I hope I have just a bit of her inward strength when I am gray-haired. And I thank God for every moment He gives me with her.

Ice glass

Breaking chains

In winter I become such a hermit, it really is despicable. Around this time, however, my recluse tendencies are driving me mad.

Today was mild enough day that I was actually lured from my cave, and Bitty babycakes was even able to hitch a ride.

Oh my.

Inhaling the deep freshness of the air. Golden rays soaking in and warming long parched skin. It was JUST what I so very much needed.

We walked around the property a bit and inwardly I dreamed of all that we hope this place can become. I'd scout out a pen or some pasture and I could actually "see" the animals that are meant to be there, heart hopes turning into daydreams. So much to hope for, so much to plan. I realize that all will take time. Patience is all the more necessary now~baby steps.

But we have a VISION, a vision for a long-hoped for reality.

And once again, I am washed with an overwhelming gratitude for today...and for the hope of tomorrow.

In the absence of nature, my heart as grow fonder. As we trod on muddied gravel, I marvelled at all the beauty around to be noticed;

Dripping barbed wire, glistening.

The bright reflection of ice on a sunny day.

The golden glow cast even on the white snow.

A lone white pigeon in a sea of ordinary.

Life, all around, lurking silently~only to be observed by seekers.

Warming rays

Snow maps and trails.

Oh-it felt SO good to be out and about. Indescribable, really.

It was good for my soul.

GASP!

Little Bunkin didn't really like the wind---it kept making her gasp for breath---but eventually her funny gasping face turned to...

a cute snuggly face.

And I was just wondering...WHEN did this girlie get EYELASHES? I specifically remember her NOT having eyelashes just yesterday! How can it be that this has slipped by me, unnoticed?!?

And finally~ this photo cracks me up. I love it because my beautiful, wonderful, WELL-USED sling is featured. Corynn took it and holy toledo! I'm GIGANTIC! A modern day Goliath. Except a woman. And a love of God. Buy hey, other than that it is a perfect likeness.

I think it is so funny that my head is LITERALLY in the clouds. The perspective of a child...

Woolly Mammoth

I spied lots of creatures on our walk. A woolly mammoth, for one.

(I had no idea the boy was so ragamuffin-ish, where IS this boys mother anyway?!?)

A wooly mammoth who spied something else! Turkeys!

Then it was a game to find more, and more we found! I realized our home is SURROUNDED and we are sorely outnumbered~we saw a good hundred by the time we got home! Let's hope for no turkey rebellion, or we'll be in trouble.

But the MOST surprising animal we tracked?!? A snake!

Which the unflinchingly brave Panda conquered in no time at all.

Papa

With his Christmas present...

and mine.

Baaaa

Sickies have come for a visit.

Eventually, I brought out the BIG guns.

Thrifted wool sheep sweater. Bought for .25cents, 5 years ago.

It isn't often that I can use Corynn's hand-me-downs for Andrew, so it's all the more cool when I pull it off.

Mama envy

No need for mascara here.

Corynn~and all her moods

99.99999% of the time she is animated. Making jokes. Smiling-no, LAUGHING. That contagious giggle. If only I could photograph THAT.

59 % of the time, she is serious. (Yes, I AM homeschooling MATH. Why do you ask??)

(I guess she concentrates doing schoolwork SOMETIMES.)

Always- ALWAYS she is fun to watch.

PS. I surprised even myself by returning a comment in the comment box but still, the fear of nobody checking it haunts me, so I'll refer you to it now. Check the last posts comment box-all you wonderful friends. You delight me and I am incredibly thankful for you all.

As it should be

Two months and one day, that's how long its been since Adele' found home in my arms, not my womb.

62 nights...that's how many nights I've sung lullabyes, stroking and rocking her as warm milk filled her-nourishing her through the night all the while wondering if she might actually be able to hear my songs and love whispers.

You see...I've held a secret for quite some time. A secret that for a while, I had to clutch and protect, keeping it only for me, so that I might grasp at its truth and understand. The truth had to be worked through before the words would have meaning, before the jumble of thoughts in my head might be strung from my lips into tangible form.

The secret that would divide my lullabyes from comforting my child, that would hinder me from hearing the prayers offered up on the lips of a child-or her understanding my prayers for her. A secret that might separate a darling girl from those around her who can not or try not to understand. One that makes her different, and us as a family. One that might steal from her the whispered "I love you's" that so easily fly from my lips. That she might not HEAR.

When Adele' was born, there was not a thing about her I did not find endearing in every way. Her curled ear was no exception. When her first hearing test failed in that ear, I was assured it could just be because I delivered her SO quickly; her ear probably still had fluid in it, causing her not to respond. I made an appointment for a repeat test a week later. As the days passed, her ear began to uncurl and it even made me sad to see it go, but oddly enough, I noticed it still looked different than her left ear.


Meanwhile, her impending hearing appointment approached and we made our way to the audiologist.


Again, she failed.

Her right ear showed absolutely no response to the little clicking sounds and her left ear responded only about 1/3 of the time. The woman was very kind, but not very encouraging. She spoke about hearing aids for infants (starting at 3 months old!) and of the difficulties we would probably face. My head was spinning, twirling at the possibility of a deaf child. But smile I did, chuckle and laugh to hide the pain, because I had four other small ears to think about.

The screener recommended we go right away to an ear specialist for a more invasive test but I couldn't bear it. I knew another newborn screening would likely prove futile, and only postpone the inevitable, but that was a shred of hope that I clung to with fervency. So, the screener smiled and sent me home after scheduling yet another appointment through tight-lipped, obvious doubt and called after me that I might try banging pots and pans and see if she startled at all.

I came home, laid the children to rest, and then I tested on my own. I waited until she slept and then I banged anything I could. Not a flinch or a blink. I'd clap my hands right beside her ears, and while my hands stung, she slept peacefully. The harder I banged, the more upset I became, until I just broke down-sobs heaving my body and thoughts tormenting my soul. I thought about how she might never know my voice. How every kick in-utero that I thought was in response to my voice, was just a cruel joke. How futile it might be to even bother cooing at her. How would I homeschool a deaf child? Knowing everything from praying at dinner to worshipping at church would be DIFFERENT, harder. That I might never be able to hear her tell stories or sing songs. That I might not be able to soothe and comfort her. These thoughts drove me mad.

Her funny little curled ear, the one that I had found so adorable, now mocked me. I hated it because it might be the reason why she couldn't hear.

But every night as I tucked my swaddled Bunkin into her cradle, I would glance up and there was the writing on the wall, wall promises echoing in my mind. Fearfully and Wonderfully Made...

I had placed them there in anticipation and excitement for the coming child. Was it any different now? Certainly not. I didn't know back then, that these words were Gods very own comfort to my soul, His reminder to me that HE is the creator and HE has a perfect plan.

I realized that while a lack of hearing might be a hardship-it might also be the means to make Adele's lifestory even more profound. It might be a gift.

Many a tear was shed, but each time I began to fret I reminded myself that, more than anything else---Adele' was HERE. She was with me. I didn't have to say goodbye to her, or watch her die as some mothers have had to live through. I didn't have to mourn her growing old without being able to function in society, as some can not. With each thought, my heart filled with just a bit more thanksgiving until, one day I realized, it was full.

From the first moment my eyes fixed on my Bunkin, I have adored her. Knowing that she might not hear those words from me has only spurred me to show it more often. I don't know of any child who has been more kissed than my Adele'. I hold her with more gentleness than I've ever held a baby and I feel my eyes sparkle all the more when I am with her. I can not look at her without smiling. And her ear? It has been given proper admiration again---and lots of nibbles.


The screener, on that day long ago, said there was a very slim possibility that things could change. She wasn't a very good actress and I knew she really didn't believe it. But I know, that there IS a chance that her ear can hear or be healed. Nothing is impossible with God. I also know, that while it is possible, there might be a very good reason for Adele' to not be able to hear and I will not pretend that I am more wise than God.

It happens, that Adele's most favorite thing is to put her head under my chin and rest it against my neck. She quiets when I sing that way. I don't know if it is my voice that soothes or the vibrations from my neck, but nonetheless, she finds comfort with me. I am able to soothe her with my kisses, and looking at her with the love that I feel for her causes her to smile with such sparkling eyes that my heart just melts. I felt before that I couldn't mother her well, if she couldn't hear me. I know now that this is not true. Because a mother needs only one thing to mother well, LOVE, and I have that in abundance.

This week is her third and final test before it is "insisted" that she see an audiologist. I have prayed many times, too many to count, that she pass this test. That she be able to hear and this all to be a bad dream. But somewhere, somehow, sometime that I can't put my finger on~my prayer has changed to what it ought to have been the whole time.

THY WILL BE DONE.

I can honestly say~no matter what the result~ I will be happy. I will be content. and I will be THANKFUL for the gift of that dear girl.

She is my little Gremlin and she is GOD'S masterpiece.