Thank you, thank you for all your kind congratulations on this new little life we've been given. Each of your comments gave us such great joy.
New life is always, always a miracle but this new life... after almost four years of wishing, hoping, longing and all of it being dashed and dashed again... this new life seems in many ways more miraculous; more surreal; more unbelievable to me than ever before. Is it true? How can it be true after four years? Can it possibly be?
The first year wasn't bad, really. In fact, it takes me a year or so after a baby to feel 'ready' for the next one so not getting pregnant before then is almost a relief. But once I was ready, I was ready! And it wasn't happening. ?!?!?!?!
This past year has been the most trying of all. I had tried convincing myself, with great sorrow, that the Lord just wouldn't be giving us any more children. I hated to say those words...to think those words...but, in order to protect myself, I had to try to convince myself to move on. (Try, being the operative word here.) My heart wouldn't accept such things no matter how much I wanted it to and I couldn't protect myself from the sorrow or the fear or the dashing of hopes. My heart broke, again and again.
Matt would try and encourage me. "God is in control. God blesses with many blessings- not just children. If God wants to give us another child then He will." All of these things were meant as encouragement, and are completely and utterly true...but they felt more discouraging than encouraging. I found it painful to know that God was choosing not to give me a baby. That He hadn't wanted to give us another baby. Am I so bad a person? Am I such a horrible mother? Have I failed? Why were people aborting or abandoning babies left and right becoming pregnant in the first place but I, who would cherish a child, was not?
It was hard to know that for four years, it was God's plan not to give me my hearts' desire. It was harder still, knowing that He may NEVER give me another child and that too, would be part of His good and perfect plan.
The hardest part, the pain-filled part, was not knowing whether His answer to the pleadings of my heart was a "not now" or whether it was a "not ever".
Those four years of waiting have made the truth of this wee life burst forth in ways it never would have otherwise. Everything is brighter. Everything is more astounding. Life, no matter how small a life, is made more marvelous with the knowledge that God has given it and nothing can make that more clear than a womb, empty and barren for four years despite every attempt at resurrecting it, coming back to life on a God whim.
It isn't science. It isn't just normal procreation. It is, and always has been, GOD. And it is God that wanted us to have this little life. It didn't just happen. We didn't just make it. God gave it to us.
If the answer had been 'not ever' God would still be good. His ways would still be perfect. But I am so thankful; so extremely, tearfully, overwhelmingly thankful that God's answer those four years was not now.
A little tiny life grows inside. A teeny tiny bit that gives such mountainous joy. A Christmas baby that we call Tiddle.
Thank you, Lord.
*** I came across this article a month or so ago and it was a real source of encouragement to me. If you are waiting on the Lord (for whatever reason) and beginning to lose hope~ please read it! When God Makes You Wait. ***