What you do in your house is worth as much as if you did it up in heaven for our Lord God. We should accustom ourselves to think of our position and work as sacred and well-pleasing to God, not on account of the position and work, but on account of the word and faith from which the obedience and the work flow. ~ Martin Luther

Monday, May 04, 2015

Tiddle


Thank you, thank you for all your kind congratulations on this new little life we've been given.  Each of your comments gave us such great joy.

New life is always, always a miracle but this new life... after almost four years of wishing, hoping, longing and all of it being dashed and dashed again... this new life seems in many ways more miraculous; more surreal; more unbelievable to me than ever before.  Is it true?  How can it be true after four years?  Can it possibly be?

The first year wasn't bad, really.  In fact, it takes me a year or so after a baby to feel 'ready' for the next one so not getting pregnant before then is almost a relief.  But once I was ready, I was ready!  And it wasn't happening. ?!?!?!?!

 This past year has been the most trying of all.  I had tried convincing myself, with great sorrow, that the Lord just wouldn't be giving us any more children.  I hated to say those words...to think those words...but, in order to protect myself, I had to try to convince myself to move on.  (Try, being the operative word here.)  My heart wouldn't accept such things no matter how much I wanted it to and I couldn't protect myself from the sorrow or the fear or the dashing of hopes.  My heart broke, again and again.

Matt would try and encourage me.  "God is in control.  God blesses with many blessings- not just children.  If God wants to give us another child then He will."  All of these things were meant as encouragement, and are completely and utterly true...but they felt more discouraging than encouraging.  I found it painful to know that God was choosing not to give me a baby.  That He hadn't wanted to give us another baby.  Am I so bad a person?  Am I such a horrible mother?  Have I failed?  Why were people aborting or abandoning babies left and right becoming pregnant in the first place but I, who would cherish a child, was not?

It was hard to know that for four years, it was God's plan not to give me my hearts' desire.  It was harder still, knowing that He may NEVER give me another child and that too, would be part of His good and perfect plan.

The hardest part, the pain-filled part, was not knowing whether His answer to the pleadings of my heart was a "not now" or whether it was a "not ever".

Those four years of waiting have made the truth of this wee life burst forth in ways it never would have otherwise.  Everything is brighter.  Everything is more astounding.  Life, no matter how small a life, is made more marvelous with the knowledge that God has given it and nothing can make that more clear than a womb, empty and barren for four years despite every attempt at resurrecting it, coming back to life on a God whim.

It isn't science.  It isn't just normal procreation.  It is, and always has been, GOD.  And it is God that wanted us to have this little life.  It didn't just happen.  We didn't just make it. God gave it to us.

If the answer had been 'not ever' God would still be good.  His ways would still be perfect.  But I am so thankful; so extremely, tearfully, overwhelmingly thankful that God's answer those four years was not now.  

A little tiny life grows inside.  A teeny tiny bit that gives such mountainous joy.  A Christmas baby that we call Tiddle.

Thank you, Lord.



*** I came across this article a month or so ago and it was a real source of encouragement to me.  If you are waiting on the Lord (for whatever reason) and beginning to lose hope~ please read it!  When God Makes You Wait. ***

13 comments:

Chrysalinn said...

Congratulations! We are preparing to welcome a little one this Summer after four years, as well. The waiting and the sometimes silence can be so hard to walk through.I saw so clearly another child. It even felt like someone was missing in our family. Having a miscarriage two years ago added to my confusion. Amazingly, I have met more women in the last several months who were told their bodies could never have children, that have now or will soon welcome little lives to their families. We haven't just been waiting on God, but on the exact perfect combination of genes for the little one He has planned for us and the world. Thank you for sharing your joy with us. Blessing to you and your family.

Christine said...

Congratulations to you and your sweet family! What a blessing!

Rozy Lass said...

"Those four years of waiting have made the truth of this wee life burst forth in ways it never would have otherwise." I think this says it all. When I was single and longing for marriage and children I asked, outloud, "Why do I have to wait?" The words came into my heart and mind, "Sometimes you have to wait for something so it will mean more to you when you receive it." Wow, were those words ever true; and I remembered them during those times when five little children were driving me crazy. I wanted this! I begged for this! How can I be so ungrateful as to complain now?

Blessings to you, and may you have an uneventful pregnancy with strength to do all you need to.

~Carla~ said...

Such a beautiful post... made my stop and count my blessings as well. I struggle with "why me" sometimes and it's shameful really as i'm so very blessed!! God is good!

Full of Grace said...

Reading this brought and brings tears to my eyes..My mind asks the self-same questions along with.. Maybe I'm foolish to want to have a child, I'm getting "too old" Samantha has children now, maybe I shouldn't have this desire.. Along with others saying "be thankful for the kids you've got, they are blessing enough" In saying this please understand it isn't a ploy for pity, just an understanding on how deeply this is an answer to prayer and how big of a deal it is that you are carrying this precious new life inside of you. I am so thankful for your little tiddle blessing Rebecca, Truly a miracle.

Ulli said...

Beautiful!

Michelle H said...

Congratulations with the news of a new life. Your writings here so resonate with me, as God had us wait 11 years before He granted this desire of our hearts (via adoption). Reading them have brought tears to my eyes. I also loved that article you posted - an article I read awhile ago. My absolute favourite poem is "Wait" by Russell Kelfer, a poem I have read countless times and continue to do so. May God bless you with what you need in the months ahead, and if it is His will, that this precious babe be placed in your arms in due time.

Alyssa Corley said...

Congratulations. My baby just turned 4 as well and I, well...know that we aren't having any more of biologically. After number four was born we decided not too since all three of our sons are autistic. Sometimes I feel really guilty...like is that a good reason NOT to keep having babies? I wanted a really large family and there have been times that i just ache knowing that I'm not going to probably even mother a child again. But...over the last few months somehow my heart has actually moved on. I have friends that are having babies and family that are having babies...and I can be really happy for them without any kind of grief. God has let my heart move on. Knowing that his will is perfect and accepting and trusting and letting ourselves cry to him and feel protected in Him is I guess the key. Thanks for sharing your story.

SimpleFarmMama said...

Aw! Thanks for sharing your heart. Every thought, every word, every action, everything is different and more awesome in light of a new one joining the family soon!

I pray The Lord gives you strength as your strength becomes weaker in the next weeks. Rest, rest! :)

Tracy said...

A very hearty congratulations! I love how you shared your happy news!

Pink Panda said...

Congratulations!!! Christ waits with us as we journey through our waiting period. So so happy for you and your family! Now you will have big ones to help you with the babe!

Paula said...

Heartfelt congratulations on your wonderful, wonderful news! I am so very happy for you xxx

Abigail said...

Amen. The article about waiting is spot on and covers such a variety of longings and hard "waits."

Tiddle! Still beaming for you here.

(That picture of your girls is the sweetest.)