What you do in your house is worth as much as if you did it up in heaven for our Lord God. We should accustom ourselves to think of our position and work as sacred and well-pleasing to God, not on account of the position and work, but on account of the word and faith from which the obedience and the work flow. ~ Martin Luther

Monday, March 01, 2010

Multitude Monday

The night was cruel with nightmares, my mind turning worst fears into reality. Me, stuck there with front row seats to the horror flick I didn't pay for, with nothing to do but wait for it all to end.

I woke up, sweating. All my insecurities came out to play when I was most vulnerable. They always do. Insecurities are cruel like that.

I fear I am not lovely enough. I fear I am not adequate. I fear I am not captivating. I regret my imperfect mothering, my imperfect loving. I wonder how Matt can love the likes of me...

Every day he tells me he loves me. Without my prompting. Every day he tells me I am pretty, WITH my prompting. Why can't I believe his answers?

When will he realize I am not good enough for him? Will he look elsewhere? My world would come crashing down around me if ever that were to be. I think I would die. A painful, slow, emotionally seared death. But it is sure to happen because how could he NOT? With me just.....me.

Too tall. Too wide. Not blond or brunette, just awkwardly "dirty". Red (and white) skin, depending on the spot. Not coy, not terribly smart, or terribly funny or terribly cute. Just.... me.

It is 4:50am. Once awakened from a nightmare, I find it hard to fall back asleep. Soon, the alarm will go off. Soon, the day will begin. I squeeze my eyes shut, only to see the reruns of painful dream. PLEASE, think about something else.

Then, Matt turns "Can I hold you? Just five more minutes..." this is his morning routine. His arm burrows under my pillow and finds my hand. His lips are resting on my ear and his breath falls around my neck. The other arm wraps around me until he pulls me so close I might lose my breath. But his arms relax as sleep takes over again and I am left in my happy place.

I think about how wonderful a spot this is. How long I waited to find this. How I am only his and he is only mine. Wholly, completely.

Thinking on these things, being in this mans arms, the nightmares fade and I am lulled into peace...almost asleep.

I feel him sigh and I smile with eyes closed. Does he feel the perfection of this moment too? So close am I to sleeping in this perfectly wonderful place in time but I can't. I linger on the edge of awake and on the verge of sleep just in time to feel his lips move and hear his deep, sleepy voice in my ear...

"I am so glad that I married you."

My eyes open...drinking in what I just heard. How did he know my soul needed refreshing after a night being beat up by my same old insecurities? How did he know I needed affirmation more than ever before?

All day I ask him "Do you love me? Do you think I am pretty?" and he assures me that yes, he does and yes, I am. But, I think, what ELSE is he supposed to say? It is these moments, these genuine, unprovoked moments that mean so much to me. Whether it is in the wee, dark hours, between slumber and stirring or as I serve dinner and he pushes my hair to the side and strokes my neck. I wonder if he knows the power he has over me? I wonder if he understands how completely smitten I am with him? I wonder if he sees that these dear gestures make me fly?

I don't understand how it can be that a man like him could love a woman so imperfect-but neither can I understand how the earth was formed from breath, or a woman from bone. I cannot understand how a soul can be made before the lovers even know they have made one or how to count all the many forms of a snowflake. These mysteries of mercy are beyond my capabilities, but they are no less real.

Thank you, God, for this man who loves me so freely.
For his breathy kisses.
For the message he gave me yesterday morning, may I never doubt.
For the huge heart within him.
For his playful tickles until I fall off the bed laughing.
For his man hands that hold me just how I like.
For the only two rings he has ever given me. They are perfect.
For his twinkly eyes.
For his impassioned debates.
For his genuineness.
For his blindness to my shortcomings.
For his affirmations to a needy and insecure wife.
For his kindnesses toward me each day
For his love of children
For his unending support and encouragement
For the back of his neck
For his hard work
For his thoughtfulness
For his bullrides with giggling children on back
For his stories
For his lips, I study their perfection
For him being so respectable
For him taking after You.

Gifts numbered 329 to 351blessedly accounted for.

What are YOU thankful for????

holy experience


Grandma Bibby said...

I am thankful for God's perfect timing in your life and mine!

Kathy said...

What a lovely tribute! And what a gracious witness of married love :)

...they call me mommy... said...

Just beautiful, Rebecca!

hillary@dark :: light said...

Your most beautiful post ever.

Kalona said...

So sweet. And I agree with Matt, you are beautiful.

Wendy said...

I wish I could say something that could take away that insecure feeling that you have. I will be praying for you in this matter. I am glad you have a husband who is attentive to your needs...and you my friend are a gorgeous sexy woman..(even Cory thinks so)(dont ask why we were talking about it...ha ha.)

On a different note...let me know when you are germ-free...I think that we are over and done with the sickies here :-)

Nicki said...

Oh I can so associate with your nightmares!....it is a terribly dark place to be...but you know, these fears are NOT of God so these feelings can only come from one other identity - do NOT let him rob you of the joys of your loving man - Blessings to you Rebecca :)

Camie said...

Oh Rebecca! I don't even know you but I want to send you a hug! I have felt those things too. Praise the Lord for loving husbands!

Many blessings,


Leendaluu said...


That was lovely. However, you have to understand that Matt is imperfect too. We all are. But when we appreciate their strengths and weaknesses, that is a relationship.

Anonymous said...

in his image
But there is no use trying to engraft an opposite nature on ones own. What i am, that i must be, except as God changes me into his own image.
Elizabeth Prentiss

I so often find myself thinking if only i could be more like that person. More organized like her, more spirtiual like her, and wiser like her. I get so caught up in others and what they think of me, i forget that we need to be in God's image not in "her" image!