While I had already spent time writing a big long post only to be interrupted by the needs of my husband and child and by doing so, I left my post vulnerable to deletion (which did occur); here I am...at 10:30 at night, retyping remnants of what was already thoughtfully written. (Parden the big long run-on sentence full of grammatical errors Abby...)
Happy Father's Day! In honor of such a day, I am posting two articles I recently read in Doug Wilson's Credenda Agenda. Much like the rabbit scenario, I liked them both so instead of choosing one-why not choose both?!?! Read on....
Disciplining Little Ones
Douglas Wilson
As a father pities his children, so the LORD pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust (Psalm 103:13-14).
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged (Col. 3:21).
God the Father is a good father to us. As Christians we fear and honor Him; and as we do, He remembers our frame. The Lord, our text says, pities us and accommodates our frail capacity. In doing this, the Lord is like a good father, watching over His children.
The important principle here, which parents should consistently remember and apply, is that God knows our frame, He remembers that we are dust. In this, He is like a human father. So as we seek to be good parents, we must know our children's frame. This can only come about through carefully studying and considering our children. A special area of importance in this is considering how our children respond to us as we exercise disciplinary authority over them.
We can forget our children's frame in different ways. Some parents have gotten caught in the trap of countless rules. Taking their cue from some federal agency, they surround their children with a constant, bewildering stream of requirements. But when laws multiply, so does non-compliance. In contrast to humanistic law, God's law is plain, simple, and to the point. Humanistic law is complex, devious, twisted, contradictory, and endless. Rules in a godly house should therefore be basic and easy to understand. "You must always tell the truth. You must always obey us immediately. You must always respect your mother." This does not cover every situation, but it actually comes close.
Another problem is that of unnecessary requirements. Take the example of a mother with a toddler, visiting a friend. The child is happily playing. When it is time to go, the mother should not thoughtlessly create a showdown. "Come here. Put on your coat." If she gives a command which is disregarded, then discipline becomes necessary. Commands should therefore not be given thoughtlessly, thrown out in an offhand way. The mother will save herself a lot of grief if she just goes over and picks her child up. If at that point the child resists, discipline is fully appropriate and necessary. This is not catering to the child; it is simply a matter of picking the battles carefully. Multitudes of occasions which require swift and effective discipline will always be available. No home has a shortage of such times. So why create more such occasions than you really need?
Yet another problem occurs when parents unnecessarily blindside the kids with a requirement. For example, suppose the kids are playing outside after dinner, when one of the parents goes to the door, and calls, "Time to come in!" This is just asking for static. A better way is to give some advance warning. "Ten more minutes!" Then when they are called ten minutes later, they have had ample time to mentally adjust and spiritually prepare.
Another, very serious problem arises when parents exercise their authority over their children in a sinful way, and then (for the sake of "maintaining authority") refuse to apologize and make restitution. We can characterize this as the problem of stubborn requirements. One of the best ways to teach the sovereignty of God over the home is for the children to see the parents submit to God's authority in practical ways. This can occur in many areas, but one of the most important is that of apologies offered to children by parents. This teaches the children that the requirements of the home are not the result of random neuron-firings in the parental brain. Instead, God has given the requirements, and the parents are under that authority as much as the children are. A besetting sin of anyone in authority is the reluctance to confess sin for fear of jeopardizing their position. Parents must especially guard against this; so if you messed up, say so.
We can also discourage children under the burden of requirements when we impose those requirements without an environment of love, grace, acceptance, sweetness, and light. One of the reasons that the discipline of many parents does not succeed in restoring the child to fellowship is because often there is no fellowship in the first place. For example, when children are disciplined effectively, they will afterwards turn back to the parents for comfort and restoration. But if the discipline causes them to turn away, the parents need to take a hard look at the overall tone of the home. In a warm home, the disruption of that warmth through the turmoil of discipline is intolerable to a child. In a home where this warmth is missing, the acute pain of discipline is simply added to the chronic pain of no fellowship.
Some parents are hard on their children because that is the personality type of the parents. Some parents are soft for the same reason. But as Christians we must reject the implicit pagan determinism of "personality types." God charges us all with the task of being wise parents, no matter who we are. This means that when we take a hard line, we do so biblically and thoughtfully. And when we remember "the frame" of our children, we do so biblically and thoughtfully.
The results will be families which are honoring to God and to the cause of the gospel. Our children will grow up in a home with high disciplinary standards, but those standards will not be burdensome. God says to us that this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome (1 John 5:3). We should say something very similar to our children.
As if that were not enough......
Hard and Soft
Douglas Wilson
Peace in the home is built upon the foundation of a biblical masculinity. At the center of each home should be a dependable man—a godly husband to the wife, and an immovable rock of a father for the children. He establishes and maintains his dominion through service, and not through domineering (Mark 9:35). In the home, one of the most important ways a man can sacrifice his own interests is through providing the leadership which the family needs from him. In this context, a servant’s heart does not drift about, saying, “Gosh, I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
Men should of course be kind and pleasant to their wives and children, and the Scripture sternly forbids harshness in the home (Col. 3:19-21). But being nice does not exhaust the duties placed upon a man by the Lord. Many nice men, through lack of leadership, have driven their wives and children to the point of exasperation.
Soft leadership produces hard people. Hard leadership, provided it is biblically hard, results in tender people. Soft leadership never rebukes, never disciplines, and the results for the home are often gross. David was an indulgent father, and his son Amnon raped his half-sister. His son Absalom killed Amnon and later rebelled against his father, and Adonijah plotted for the throne. A soft father sired hard sons (I Kgs. 1:6). Eli was another indulgent father and had sons who would sleep with the women who gathered at the tabernacle of the Lord. Soft leadership led to the harshness of rape, murder, and incest. In the modern world, we may add the fruit of drug abuse, divorce, sodomy, insolence, immorality, suicide, and the rest of the list.
In the same way, men should lead and protect their wives. When men neglect their wives, the world often sees the results of the husband's sin in the wife. When the results of this neglect show up in an obvious way through the wife's infidelity, drunkenness, gluttony, etc., everyone shakes his head and wonders what got into her . But the hardness of sin in her was brought into the world through the softness of his abdication. Men must be masculine for their wives and children.
But at the same time, our culture is at war with this masculinity. This means that the men who are equipped to maintain peace in their homes will be men at war beyond the front door. A man who has what it takes to provide peace, stability and security in his home will be just the kind of man who is embattled outside. Our world system is hostile to the kind of masculinity which is capable of guiding and protecting the godly home. Centuries ago, in the great battle over the Trinity, Athanasius was told at one time that the whole world was against him. Then let it be known, he said, that Athanasius is contra mundum against the whole world. In the same way, the biblical man should know that his scriptural hardness, the necessary protective fence for his family, will always provoke a hostile response whenever he is out in the world.
The points of battle will obviously varybusiness, academia, union meetings, political campaigns, the op-ed page of the local newspaper, etc . As a result, there will be many who take a dim view of your uncompromising stand, and they will assume that at home, you must be an ogre right out of Grimm's Fairy Tales . One time my wife was visiting with a woman in our community and slowly the light of identification began to go on in the other woman's head. The woman then asked my wife if she were married to the present writer of this column. When my wife said she in fact was, the woman said, "But you seem so nice !"
Jesus taught us that if everyone thinks we are wonderful, then we are doing something seriously wrong (Luke 6:26). Unfortunately, the false identification of truth and haughtiness can be found in the church as well. Because the culture at large considers the emasculation of men to be the norm, effeminate expectations for men have inundated the church.
So confusion reigns. Because there is a dearth of godly examples, some within the church have resorted to chest-pounding substitutes for biblical masculinity. Instead of a biblically confident leadership, we see arrogance, pride, overweening conceit, self-centered financial habits, boasting, and so forth. This sort of counterfeiting is from men who are not mature in their masculinity; they are blowhards.
To complicate matters further, a Christian man who is living out a biblical masculinity will be slanderously accused of being proud, arrogant, too logical, self-willed, etc . In a very real way (and this is a central part of the tragedy of our modern church), we are put off by masculinity. We insist upon being led by women, or, if that cannot be done, by men who are like women. Isaiah spoke of the problem this way. "As for My people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O My people! Those who lead you cause you to err, and destroy the way of your paths" (Is. 3:12). A mark of how thoroughly we have been propagandized can be seen in how we react to such passages. Instead of seeing such biblical language as a slap at cotqueans, we think it is an insult to women . We've come a long way, baby.
So men who are men before the Lord will seek, by His grace, to establish homes which are havens of peace in a world which declares war on all who will not cave at the knees.
Credenda/Agenda Vol. 7, No. 2
I was going to cut and paste the things that pertained mostly to "Fathering" but decided against it considering all the 'good stuff' I would leave out. I hope you don't feel bombarded with too much information. Though they are two quite different topics, I hope you will see the continuity of concepts that fall within the great responsibility of being a godly father. At Father's Day (and any other holiday for that matter...), reality becomes ideal and observation is through rose colored glasses (or is Scott's or John's cases...with beer goggles on. hehehe). One must be reminded, especially at this time, fathering is not just playing ball with your children or milking cows with them, or working to give them the things they need. Fathering is not even just leading devotions or singing in the home. Fathering is at times, unpleasant. At times, daunting. As it should be...it is,after all, a great responsibility-but the Lord God has provided our men with the perfect example to look to. Anyhow. I hope you like the articles. I am well pleased with my hubby and very thankful indeed for the man the Lord has chosen for me. He is a wonderful husband and father...my cup runneth over.
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