Tuesday, May 07, 2013
Feeling like a Ladybird
What a crazy five days it has been.
We were expecting company on Thursday. You know them- the family whose barn burned down- and were so excited to get to see them. Matt took off work on Thursday and Friday so that we could have a good looong weekend of visiting and fun. The house was cleaned. The sheets were all fresh. Much of the food was ready (so I could spend more time visiting and less time working). All was set.
And then I had to go and screw EVERYTHING up with two emergency room visits!
It has been an emotional five days, a SCARY five days... an EXHAUSTING five days. And I didn't even have a weekend of good company to show for it!
I have explained the ordeal(s) a million times to a million doctors/nurses/family members and I just can't bear to re-live the torture. So let's just suffice it to say, Matt and I have endured two episodes that had us both thinking 'heart attack' even though 'heart attack' and '30 years old' don't quite seem to fit together in the same sentence.
In five days I have gone from feeling great to feeling like I was going to die, from feeling excited to feeling utter despair as I tried to mentally prepare myself and Matt for getting along without me, from being strong to being so weak that I could do nothing but shake like a leaf and stare blankly off into nothingness. It has been a scary ride.
Turns out, my 'episodes' were NOT heart attacks and for that good news I am extremely thankful. (Understatement alert!) My heart is apparently fine, among other things. (I was tested for quite a few things and all were gratefully returned back to me with fine and dandy results.)
But I do have to make some changes to my life and I am not sure how that is going to flow since everything in my life that I DO, I enjoy doing. (Except, you know, cleaning toilets and washing dishes- but these, I suppose, ARE necessary.) I want to be physically ABLE to do everything I always do- but I don't feel very much like it these days. Knowing just how different I am from my 'normal' is the scariest part (now that I know I am not going to die, that is.)
I am left in unfamiliar territory. I feel kinda like I am teetering like this little ladybird, not sure where to go from here-so just holding on for dear life. I am feeling very weak (when I am used to being strong) and very lazy (when I am used to being hard-working) and very afraid that those 'used to be's' might not become 'once agains'.
Weakness is a not a good attribute to have when there is a garden to put in...