What you do in your house is worth as much as if you did it up in heaven for our Lord God. We should accustom ourselves to think of our position and work as sacred and well-pleasing to God, not on account of the position and work, but on account of the word and faith from which the obedience and the work flow. ~ Martin Luther

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Feeling like a Ladybird

What a crazy five days it has been.

We were expecting company on Thursday.  You know them- the family whose barn burned down- and were so excited to get to see them.  Matt took off work on Thursday and Friday so that we could have a good looong weekend of visiting and fun.  The house was cleaned.  The sheets were all fresh.  Much of the food was ready (so I could spend more time visiting and less time working).  All was set. 

And then I had to go and screw EVERYTHING up with two emergency room visits!

It has been an emotional five days, a SCARY five days... an EXHAUSTING five days.  And I didn't even have a weekend of good company to show for it!

I have explained the ordeal(s) a million times to a million doctors/nurses/family members and I just can't bear to re-live the torture.  So let's just suffice it to say, Matt and I have endured two episodes that had us both thinking 'heart attack' even though 'heart attack' and '30 years old' don't quite seem to fit together in the same sentence.

In five days I have gone from feeling great to feeling like I was going to die, from feeling excited to feeling utter despair as I tried to mentally prepare myself and Matt for getting along without me, from being strong to being so weak that I could do nothing but shake like a leaf and stare blankly off into nothingness.  It has been a scary ride. 

Turns out, my 'episodes' were NOT heart attacks and for that good news I am extremely thankful.  (Understatement alert!)  My heart is apparently fine, among other things.  (I was tested for quite a few things and all were gratefully returned back to me with fine and dandy results.)

But I do have to make some changes to my life and I am not sure how that is going to flow since everything in my life that I DO, I enjoy doing.  (Except, you know, cleaning toilets and washing dishes- but these, I suppose, ARE necessary.)  I want to be physically ABLE to do everything I always do- but I don't feel very much like it these days.  Knowing just how different I am from my 'normal' is the scariest part (now that I know I am not going to die, that is.)

I am left in unfamiliar territory.  I feel kinda like I am teetering like this little ladybird, not sure where to go from here-so just holding on for dear life.  I am feeling very weak (when I am used to being strong) and very lazy (when I am used to being hard-working) and very afraid that those 'used to be's' might not become 'once agains'. 

Weakness is a not a good attribute to have when there is a garden to put in...



Miranda said...

Oh my goodness! I am so sorry. How extremely scary. I'm glad that you are ok. I will be praying for you and your family.

Maybe it will cheer you up knowing you make a difference to people like me that do not even know you in "real life".

Debbie in CA : ) said...

Dear Rebecca,

I quietly read here as you pen your journey; I relive my "younger" mothering days and smile at all you are discovering and finding and sharing and living. How sweet to remember and know that it just gets better and better as the years fly by. I love how you savor it all and share with us in blogdom. Thank you.

I can relate to this post and offer my encouragement and prayers. I, too, found myself floundering one day and had to set aside stressful "musts" of only my naming, in order to live free of "issues." God held me, I changed, and now I dance freely and healthfully with my ever-growing, ever-loving family.

I have NO IDEA what you are dealing with, but I pray and know that God gently leads you (as He promises to those with "young") into a beautiful place of contentment, and peace, and real joy despite it all. Go . . . follow . . . rest . . . heal . . . live in love every step of the way. He is able.

You are in my prayers, dear friend-of-the-blog.

XO ~~ Debbie

Melissa said...

Goodness Rebecca! I am so sorry to hear all that you have been through and will pray for you as you make needed changes! I hope that you are feeling good again soon!


~Carla~ said...

I'm so sorry that you've had such a stressful and rough week.. :( I've been where you are and it is HARD. I have anxiety/panic attacks and they can definitely do you in. Not saying that's what you're dealing with, but I feel the pressure of "doing it all" and when it doesn't happen, well, it's not always good. Praying for your family! (((hugs)))

Mari said...

Oh my! I would offer you advice, but since I don't know what your "weakness" issue is, I don't know what to say, so I'll offer prayers instead. It is mid-May (well, almost); can you wind up "official" homeschooling for this year and restart it in the fall, making up anything you haven't quite finished or at least cutting out a couple classes to lighten the load?

Okay, I do have a piece of advice - if people offer you help, accept it! Accept a meal, accept a couple hours of gardening help, accept someone offering to help with cleaning, etc. You do for others and do so cheerfully and as a gift; let them have the privilege of giving YOU a gift this time.

Anonymous said...

Dear Rebecca,

I am very sorry to hear about your scare. I will also say this. The most important calling in your life is being the mother of your children and Matt's wife. They NEED you. You are not replaceable AT ALL. Slow down whatever you have to, even if it is what you enjoy like canning, gardening and so on. Your children will still grown to be strong and healthy with grocery store produce, but not having you will profoundly affect them/

As for Matt, I don't have to know you both to see he will only exist, not live without you.

I am sorry to be a negative nelly, but your family needs you and if it means slowing down and not doing things you love or not eating home grown, home cooked food every day, so be it.

You are in my prayers.

Much Love,

Full of Grace said...

Love You Dear Sister.. May God grant you wisdom as you plough ahead at a slower pace than you are accustomed..

Paula said...

Oh Rebecca, I'm so sorry to hear this. What a terrifying time you and your husband have had.

Praying for you all at this difficult time.
Best wishes,

Bonnie said...

Just yesterday I had this nagging thought that something was wrong over at the Newman house. Get better. That's my only advice. Matt and kiddos need you. The world needs mamas and wives like you. Shoot your blogging fan club needs you! You'll manage to make the changes. You will. I know you and your ingenuity (I think that's the word I want), and yes to what Mari said about excepting help. And seek the Lord on how to do these changes, and be willing to follow His lead. He'll provide the ways and the means, this I know. (I just preached a mini sermon to myself there.) Anyway, much love and prayers coming from me, love you!

Stefanie said...

Your in my prayers.

Tracy said...

It's always good to be checked over when you suspect heart problems, no matter your age. My sister in law suffered a heart attack at 27 years old, three days after giving birth. She's fine now, but has had more episodes.

So, while I'm glad it isn't your heart, there's obviously something wrong. I don't believe for a second that you're lazy, or that this "rest" from activities that you love is self imposed.

I will say this. I had my first baby at 20, and my 4th by 28. I worked around the clock. Cooking, sewing, cleaning, gardening, doing, doing, doing. I got burnt out. Not because I was lazy, but because my body couldn't take the schedule I was keeping. I had to slow down.

A friend and I have had the conversation so... many times that just because an activity is right, and good, and a wonderful opportunity does NOT mean that we have to do it.

Sit down, put your feet up, and read a book with your children. Take a nap, and let the children play quietly around you. Serve cereal or sandwiches for supper- everyone will survive. Accept help when it is offered.

I'm praying for you, dear friend. And praising because you're here. xo

aeolian said...

Aww, I am sorry. :( I wish I knew something else to say, but I will be thinking about you and praying for you during this rough time.

Julian said...

Prayers for you going up. Life is fragile. Im sure this experience was good for bringing your family closer. So many people need you. Take care,and rest as you can. Things can wait another day;)
From a mom of six.

Rosemary said...

Feel better, Rebecca. Take care of yourself! If you have to let some things slide, then so be it. We all are rooting for you. Rosemary

Aunt Jan said...

Hi Rebecca,
God, in His love and care for us, will bring weakness into our lives, leading us to complete helplessness, thus driving us to total dependence on Him. Know that when you are the neediest, He is the most sufficient. When you feel totally dependent, He is absolutely dependable. When you are the weakest, He is the most able.
We love you and pray that our loving Father will encourage your heart today.
Uncle Elise & Aunt Jan

Victorianlady8 said...

Dearest Rebecca, I am so very sorry you are enduring this hard trial. I want you to know I am praying for you, and for you and Matt to have wisdom. Every trial we face the Lord is so faithful to bring us a way out, and to bring us wisdom. If you need help with natural supplements and or nutrients to help heal your body, please feel free to email me. I am not a doctor, but have had many years of experience helping my own body to overcome serious medical trials. God bless You Dear One!

ulli said...

Oh my dear Rebecca! What a scary time you have gone through. Please give yourself time to rest and renew. Take time for yourself inasmuch as pondering and wrapping your head around the changes you need to make. Your chores can wait--I know it seems like it can't, but it'll be okay. Praying for you and your sweet family. May God bless you and walk this journey with you and yours.

Mrs. Bowen said...

I'm praying for you...

Anonymous said...

Crikey must of been so scary. I'm glad that your heart is healthy, not so glad that you aren't as well as you would like to be. Give yourself to time to recoup over this health shock and take take one step at a time whilst you find your feet again.

...they call me mommy... said...

Oh WOW. How scary! I will be praying that you find out WHAT IT IS and are able to come up with a plan on how to take care of yourself! I'm so sorry, friend! :( Adding you to my prayer list for health!!! ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Leah said...

Whoa! Just checked in to catch up on your blog since I don't get much computer time in with seven kids these days ;), and I find THIS! Oh Rebecca! I pray for complete healing and restored peace to your body, mind, and soul.

I don't know what problem you had, but a few years back I had a strange heart issue where I kept feeling these very noticeable heart skips and weird palpitations that freaked me out. I had to go to a cardiologist and wear and EKG (AKG?) monitor a few times for the doctors to check, but turns out I was fine. Some people's hearts just do that (heart hiccups they called them), especially in stressful times. (I had them when my nephew was dying of cancer and when we built our house six years ago. Have only only had occasional ones since then, but I'm fine.)

Anyway, love you and I'm thinking of you now. With hope and love.

Abigail said...

My super-long email is better than a super-long comment, right?

I stand by all I sent in the email, time and again. May grace and His peace cover all.

Michelle said...

Prayers for you, Rebecca. I wish we still lived close by so that I could make you a meal or come and help out somehow.

Anonymous said...

oh Rebecca! I'm so very sorry! What a horrible thing to happen:-( Praying for health and strength, and for a quiet,trusting heart for you:-) and ditto all the comments about resting! God has ordained this different season and will give you the grace to get what you *need* to done. Sending much love!

Jerelene said...

You are in my prayers! Whatever is causing you troubles...lean on God...he is our rock :-) You are such a blessing to your family and an inspiration to so many others. Please take care of yourself! Blessings to you and your precious family :-)

Jaya said...

long time follower, never commenter.. breaking silence to say, you are blessed, Rebecca. praise the lord for the fear you went through, because it will give a very sharp perspective that is definitely needed for young hopesteaders like you and me. you will be in my prayers, get well soon.

Riahli said...

I'm so sorry! I've recently went through a health scare that sounds so similar to yours. I've now found out that it is connected to my adrenal glands and thyroid, among other things. Sounds like you had a whole lot of blood work done, did they test those as well? Wasn't sure if you had any definitive answers yet or not. Anyway I hope you are able to let go of some things in order to heal, I know it's hard as I'm facing that as well right now. But I'm sure that there are lots of people willing and able {and probably waiting} to help you, and happy to do it! :) You will be in my thoughts and prayers.