Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Last Month
This week marks my 36th week of pregnancy. With both previous pregnancies, I have given birth at 37 weeks. While I try not to think of it that way so as not to get my hopes up, I feel I ought to be at least a bit prepared. Especially when the hours of darkness pass with hours of contractions, as the night did last night. They were the irregular braxton-hicks sort of contractions, mind you. But even those Braxton-hicks...PRETEND labor contractions... are doing something~ stretching, massaging and preparing the uterus for it's big day...and so, I know the time is drawing near.
Every day draws me a little bit closer to finally meeting this mystery child that has surrounded my heart these many months. I will be able to grasp the little fingers that have tickled and stretched skin my own skin as his/her skin too continues to stretch and grow, to kiss the little feet that have bumped and jarred me awake and caused eruptions of laughter from an astonished boy and girl child...and to see the face that has been blinking, smiling, sucking, hiccuping, and listening in silence, tucked snug and cozy in his/her very own warm and private womb-home.
This pregnancy has been very difficult for me~ much moreso than the two I enjoyed every minute of 5 ands 2 1/2 years ago. My belly is very rarely without pain and soreness. To flip from one side to another in bed is not just tedious, but painful. My feet ache each morning and my back often hunches over in an effort to overcompensate for my pained belly. I am a hunching, hobbling little hobbit and I don't know WHY!
The time when I feel best of all is when I am laying in bed curled and pressed against Papa's back-my arm tucked snug around him and my belly pressed firmly into his back. Mother and Father with Baby snug in between. A Bunkin sandwich.
I feel most comfortable (comforted) at those times and imagine that Bunkin can sense the closeness and can realize the sensation of being surrounded with love. It helps to imagine that.
Last night, for the first time ever I got to feel a baby hiccup inside me. I never felt that sensation with Corynn or Andrew and my goodness! It was magical! I laughed merrily in the wee morning hours and woke up Matt-much to his displeasure-just so he might feel it too. I stayed awake, concentrating and anticipating each perfectly redundant pop and I could nearly visualize Bunkin's head jarring with each blow. A real baby.
A real BABY. Why, after two children and three pregnancies, am I *still* flabbergasted at the miracle of life? Shouldn't this be old-hat by now? But the newness, the TRUE-ness of a created being, is miraculous still. And overwhelmingly good.
Despite the bits of discomfort I feel now (swollen with child) and the discomforts that come later (because yes, children ARE difficult to raise at times), yet this life is precious and this opportunity is amazing. I try fervently to remember how blessed this life is, this life God has planned for me, and I try not to take for granted that this beautiful opportunity might continue to be mine. There are women who are crying out to God that they be blessed with just such an opportunity and yet, they still stand arms empty and eyes wet. There are women who have one, or two, or three but yearn for many more and are struggling to find contentment with those even while wishing it were not the end. There are women who, with every fiber of their being, are trying to make sense of the child they once had and loved and why that sweet child was taken away.
I pray that I be ever content with God's plan for my life, whether more new-life stories fill this blog (and moreso, these walls and my heart) or if my womb is to be closed off and I must find joy in these three alone. I beg that my eyes and heart might be open, seeing, and compassionate toward those who would struggle to find their purpose in life, or wait on God's timing to experience this joy. I pray that I be wise and good enough to offer compassion and wisdom to these women...something I lack sorely. I pray that I trust God in all things, and THANK Him abundantly for these gifts that I so often take for granted.
I pray I might never forget how lovely it is to be a part of such a beautiful story, the story of life.