Garden Epiphany

I dig weeds out of the earth and admire the dark, rich loosened soil and only then, with dirt under fingers and sweat on my neck, do I consider the soil.

And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul. Gen 2:7


Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it. Eccl 12:7

If we were created from dust and return to dust in the end, what then are our lives but soil to be tended? And if we must tend our lives, are we not then sowers as well?

And if we are sowers, then we have a message to hear:

Behold, a sower went forth to sow; 4And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up: 5Some fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: 6And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. 7And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them: 8But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold. 9Who hath ears to hear, let him hear. Matthew 13: 3-9

Hear ye therefore the parable of the sower. 19

When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart. This is he which received seed by the way side.

20But he that received the seed into stony places, the same is he that heareth the word, and anon with joy receiveth it; 21Yet hath he not root in himself, but dureth for a while: for when tribulation or persecution ariseth because of the word, by and by he is offended.

22He also that received seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful.

23But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. Matt 13:18-23

There are plenty of weeds to pull and children are good at disappearing at weeding time, so I have plenty of time to think. There is much to consider.

If I am the sower and the seeds are those whose lives I touch, then my LIFE is the soil. My life is just a patch of ground. As parents, much of that patch of ground is dedicated to a certain and select crop of seeds...our children.


If our lives consist of unimportant things, our children will fall by the wayside. Stuff to buy, places to go, people to see, the latest video games to play, the latest fashions to wear, vacations to enjoy, The latest diet trend. Cool toys, kid and grown up ones. possessions. possessions. possessions.

There must be time to be together. Time to sit together. Time to talk together. Time to 'do' together. Time to work together. Time to just be, together. One of the greatest things about being put in a family is having people to share your life with. But to do that, there must be time.

We mustn't beat down the soil running around following trends, but rather, tread carefully~ using our time wisely and watching very carefully where we walk. Us. Me.

Little eyes are watching what I spend my time doing, what things I desire and what makes me happy. Apples don't fall far from the tree.


We must pluck the rocks out of our lives and the thorns, so that our lives become fertile for growth. We must tend our lives so that our children can be nourished and strengthened. We must be in the Word, devoted to it~ learning from it~ enjoying it.


Each time we read from scripture, each time we sing Psalms, each time we bow our heads to pray we are hurling rocks, thorns and thistles from our soil and our lives, making beautiful, fertile ground. Our childrens' roots will run deep and their joy will be made full.

There is not too little time to spend moments each day in devotion. There is never too much to do. If we enjoy doing it, we FIND the time. If we WANT something, we make it work.

If we want our children to enjoy the things of God and to grow strong in Him, we need to provide the right soil~ the right teaching environment. That will mean dying to self, over and over and over again. But with every sacrifice there will be great reward.

Sometimes the worst circumstances are the greatest teaching tools. Not enough money? Draw closer to Him. Not enough peace? Draw closer to Him. Not enough time? Draw closer to Him. Stressed beyond belief? Draw closer to Him. Angry? Draw closer to Him.

In doing so, the children who notice everything and learn without prompting, will see firsthand what to do when they feel the same.

My life is the soil my children need to thrive. I must be a constant gardener. Sometimes it is so hard. I fail miserably...daily. The weeds pop up....daily. But the harvest is coming.

And now I see.

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.

Raising Abel, part 8

A word about Forgiveness (Okay, lots of words) :

When someone sins, the Bible says we need to reconcile. When one is wronged, they deserve an apology. I don’t mean a hasty, mumbled “sorry” but one coming from a broken and contrite spirit, one that MEANS something. An apology in our house is looking the person in the eyes and saying “I am sorry that I_______________”. It is a much more painful experience to actually admit you are wrong and MEAN it than to shrug and mutter something under your breath. The person wronged then needs to affirm forgiveness. In so doing, the wronged person is learning not to harbor bitterness and the one who wronged is no longer harboring guilt. It is done, it is over and relationships are reconciled.

This exchange must take place from child to child and child to adult. We need to forgive our children when they make mistakes. But then there is the *little* matter of adult to child. Is there ever a time that adults need to apologize to CHILDREN?

So often, we think we as parents, are somehow exempt from admitting our sin to our children and asking them for forgiveness; that we shouldn’t have to degrade ourselves in that way or that we might lose their respect if we do so. Neither Matt or I can recall a single time our parents ever apologized to us. This is not because they were sin-less, but because as parents, this is an easy thing to overlook.

I would say, as emphatically as I can muster, that it is INCREDIBLY important to ask forgiveness of our children when we fall short. We are not perfect. None of us are perfectly righteous, no not one. Asking forgiveness from your children, while painful, can be an incredibly liberating act~for both parent and child. More importantly, parents model humility, forgiveness and repentance by seeking it themselves. In doing so, we admit that we are under God’s authority as well, and held accountable by Him, which can be heartening to a child. The honesty which we portray in admitting our shortcomings stands only to point the way TOWARD what is good. It serves to strengthen our office, not degrade it. Be assured we will not be losing our childrens’ respect by doing so, but rather, their respect for us will be greatly multiplied.

If you are struggling with bad relationships between yourself and your children, if your children are rebelling against your authority and Gods, the very first step in reconciliation ought to be this: Ask for forgiveness.

Repent unto God for failing at His task. Ask God for wisdom and a renewed dedication to godly child-training. Then, apologize to the wronged parties~ the victims of your sin, your children. Apologize for dropping the ball and not disciplining them as you ought to have. Tell them that now you will be doing better and that you are going to try very hard to handle these indiscretions in a godly way. Tell them what you expect of them and what they ought to expect for disobedience. And then-consistently do so.

Your children will be grateful, too, for the explanation of your sudden change of heart. This will help them to understand where you are coming from, which will deter them from becoming confused by you disciplining them for one thing now but having always let it slide before. They will not think you are unfair, hypocritical, or confusing--all things they might feel if when all of a sudden, one morning you woke up and approached discipline in a different way.

~~~The FINAL SECRETS~~

Love.

WHY do we discipline our children? Why bother with all this hard W.O.R.K?!?

It is the love that we have for our children that true discipline comes out of.

My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of His correction:For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father, the son in whom he delighteth.
Proverbs 3:11,12

He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Proverbs 13:24

It must be said, that if we discipline well, we must LOVE well.

We are to bring up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)

Nurture and admonition. Not just admonition. Not just reproof.

We do not worship a Sledgehammer, nor should we model one. We worship a loving and tender Father, who does not give us what we deserve but heaps upon us mercies upon mercies.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; (Psalm 103:8-11)

So, too, it must be with us.

Our discipline ought to be nurturing. With it, there ought to be tenderness, admiration and LOVE.

James Dobson said,

"I am recommending a simple principle: When you are defiantly challenged, win decisively. When the child asks, "Who's in charge?" tell him. When he mutters, "Who loves me?" take him in your arms and surround him with affection. Treat him with respect and dignity, and expect the same in return. Then begin to enjoy the sweet benefits of competent parenthood."

Prayer.

Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. James 5:13-16

As parents, we must constantly be in prayer for our children. I heard it once said that we ought to “bathe one another in prayer.” I love that.

We ought to pray fervently on behalf of our greatest loves, and without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17) We ought to do so in the quiet of our hearts but also loudly, for them to hear. Praying for them with them listening, will show your children in no more powerful a way, that you love them. They will be invited into your heart and into your soul and will revel in the deepness of your love for them and your trust in God.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5,6

Pray also for yourself, not just in the quiet of your heart but also within earshot of them. Teach them through prayer that you are weak, but made strong through God. Teach them that you fall short, but are forgiven. Teach them to seek first the kingdom of God.

The ideal time to get much of the brunt-work of child-disciplining done is when your children are young. In doing so, you are establishing a foundation for life. But if you have failed, for whatever reason, and you are left with older children who are struggling, the task is not impossible.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phillipians 4:6

Ask God to help you. Praise God for his mercy. Ask your children for forgiveness and then insist upon their respect and obedience. Be content with small gains. Praise them at every possible turn, especially in regard to some of their own weaknesses. If they struggle with lying, PRAISE them for being truthful. If they struggle with defiance, CELEBRATE with them their happy obedience. Build them up as often as you can. God will bless your efforts and your childrens’ respect for you will grow.

Finally,

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all men without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5)

~ ~ ~

Phew!!! This has been my most exhausting soapbox yet, and that is NO understatement.

After finally tackling such a huge endeavor as this, I realize why authors take so long to write books. Inevitably, the moment I hit the “publish” button on each post, I immediately thought of something I had forgotten to mention or didn’t express clearly enough.

If anyone is still checking this blog (highly unlikely), and if anyone has followed this series through to the end (equally unlikely) I feel I must share how inadequate this series is. I have been ineloquent, I have missed crucial points, and I have likely overstated the obvious. I have tried to answer all the questions, both general principles and "what we do in specific incidences", that have been asked of me privately, but I may have overlooked something somewhere. (If you have a question that wasn't addressed in one of the (MANY) parts of this series, leave them in this comment box and, if necessary, I will follow up with a question and answer post.)

These are the written words of a sinful woman, a fallen wife and an imperfect mother. I have hopped on this soapbox, not as a woman who has perfectly mastered the art of mothering but as a woman who, throughout this whole process has been often brought to my knees, seeing clearly my own failings and need for reform.

I must reiterate that any shortcomings you see in this series of posts has everything to do with my own fallibility and nothing to do with the infallible God. You may disagree with what I have to say. I may be entirely wrong. But I am not asking you to believe me. I am asking you to seek out knowledge for yourself in this ever-important issue of Christian child-rearing.

Go to scripture to see what it is we are to mirror. The subject of discipline is one subject that Jesus did not put into parables but expressed rather plainly. There are 41 references to “training up” your sons (children) in Proverbs alone!! God’s word is timeless and inerrant, even in this modern world. We need only to approach it with a palate void of preconceived notions.

So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

Luke 11:9,10

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Some other books that I heartily recommend on the subject; books that played an integral part in shaping our thoughts on discipline are and which I am constantly re-reading are:

Christian Living in the Home by Jay E. Adams
Withhold Not Correction by Bruce A. Ray
Building Her House by Nancy Wilson (not just about discipline.)
Proverbs for Parenting by Barbara Decker

For the Childrens' Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macauley (I have *JUST* started reading this book but by chapter three, I can already say it is a worthwhile read!)

Also, this reputable lady has some excellent recommendations that I have not yet read but look forward to reading in the near future.

Perhaps you will be as blessed by her list as I.

And of course, feel free to leave any resources YOU have found helpful in the comments section of this post.

There. Done. No more soapboxing for a good, LOooooooooong while. ;-)

Raising Abel, Part 7

All day long we are called to the godly training of our children. (Deuteronomy 6:6,7) And yet, I would HOPE we are not spanking all day long! As was said previously~ if you have been diligent in your godly trainingfrom the get-go, you likely aren’t punishing often at all. So-what about the rest of the time?

Here are some practical insights.

• If children have done something wrong that they have never done before, this is simply a matter of teaching. We explain to them why it is wrong that we will not expect to see that anymore. It would be unkind to punish them for doing something they never KNEW was wrong in the first place.

• Sometimes, children really do FORGET what it is you asked them to do. I encourage them, then, to obey IMMEDIATELY so as not to get distracted. If you must keep your eye on them to help them focus on their task , then so be it. Our older children have the responsibility to take their own folded laundry upstairs and put them away. Occasionally, on the way downstairs to get a different pile of clothes, Andrew will spy a book on the floor, or a toy that he picks up. I can see his little mind losing focus. He is not trying to disobey, but his little mind gets distracted easily. I keep an eye on him and if needed, a quick “Don’t forget where you are heading” is all that is required.

• Sometimes, disobedience stems from misunderstanding, maybe you have to teach them what your request is going to look like. If you have asked your girl to fold the clothes three times and it still isn’t done, maybe you have to take a step back and show her HOW to fold them because, it turns out, she wasn’t NOT folding them out of disobedience, but out of lack of knowledge.

• Babies are a special case altogether. You can wonder what they understand or think them too young to really comprehend but I think in the case of babies, generally speaking, we tend to UNDERESTIMATE them, not the other way around. I start talking to babies from the get go with a stern word while still considering their frames. They may not really "get it" for a while, but you are preparing a way for them to grow INTO wisdom. In the beginning, I flick their cheeks if they scream loudly on purpose or bite me (nursing). Little flicks are super emotional to babies (and to me, because it is a sad day when you realize, OH YEAH! This perfectly angelic little sleepyhead/nursling actually has a will) I tend to flick them to teach them what not to do when they are first learning. Once it becomes a battle of wills, though, flicking just doesn't seem to cut it. It is obvious when babies begin to understand defiance. Our Adele' is the most stubborn, hot-tempered girls (you wouldn't know from the pictures, eh?) and the most....difficult...case of the three so far.
  

Sometimes, cradling their heads in your hands and saying "NO! Don't pull the cat's tail." while maintaining eye contact will work just fine.

I remember the first time I knew Adele' was acting in defiance. She was heading for the stairs and I told her not to go up them (we don't use babygates) so she came back. A moment later, she was there again-but when I called, she came. I praised and hugged on her. Just another moment later, there she was again-on that bottom step. I told her to come back and she poked her head around the corner, smiling but she didn't come. I went to her and she was halfway up the stairs. She had justt learned to walk and is already petite, but the girl got a firm smack on her leg for that one because she knew precisely what she was doing and decidedly disobeyed.

The end of babyhood and beginning stages of toddlerhood marks an interesting era. Tantrumhood. Some more terrible than others, some more frequent than others~no tantrum should be tolerated. The earlier this problem is addressed the better. Adele' has tried to lay on the floor and kick her feet several times (once even at CHURCH, egads!) . Children, yes-even babies, need to learn self-control. I will ask her to stand up again. If she obeys, I will cradle her head in my hands, look her in the eyes and sternly say "You DON'T put yourself on the ground when you are angry!" If she does not, she gets a spank and the same.

Some children are more stubborn than others and may take longer to finally concede, but if you are stern and consistent, it WILL happen eventually.

• It is far easier and more likely for children to be obedient when their needs are fully met.

Apparently, I am not the only one who feels this way. I just started reading a book called For the Childrens’ Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay. I am only on chapter 4 so far, but when I stumbled upon this quote I couldn’t help but Hurrah!

Listen to what she has to say:

In my experience, children obey best when their lives are as fully satisfying as possible. If minds are interested, skills are being learned, loving relationships are enjoyed, creativity is encouraged, beauty in nature, art and music are appreciated, hours are spent in free play, and the children learn to climb, swim, ride, canoe, ski, or skate-why these children will be well on the way to having their sinful natures put in the backseat! Sinful natures expand like a malignancy at any age with loneliness, mental poverty, boredom, passivity, hunger, tiredness and deprivation of daily contact with the rich source material of goodness-the Word of God. When you think about it, many children today have hell on earth. Are we surprised at what happens?” (pg. 55, 55)

If we as parents take our focus off of ourselves and place it squarely on our children, we will learn what makes our children tick, we will know our childrens’ weaknesses, we can understand more fully their dispositions and we can anticipate unspoken plans and either thwart them or encourage them. We can consider their frames (sound familiar?).

The above quote, I think, does lack one crucial element. That is, children who lack real responsibility become unsatisfied very easily, knowing they are not needed for anything. Children, like EVERYONE, enjoy feeling a sense of worth; that they contribute something so it stands then, that it is important for our children to have worthwhile pursuits, things that make them feel as though they are a benefit to the family. A child whose only job is to play, play, play can feel very worthless, and rightly so. Even the youngest of children appreciate and enjoy grown-up responsibilities.
We see this as even the littlest baby hands you wet clothes to put on the clothesline or the toddler tries to wield pudgy little fingers into submission as they attempt to fold a washcloth. It would be unfruitful to stifle that innate desire so that “children can just be children”.

• Often, our children act out for a lack of something better to do. Anticipating these things and redirecting them in order to divert wrongdoing is incredibly beneficial.

• During long carrides, the children can start pestering one another. One is humming, the other doesn't like it and starts complaining. One is tickling the other, who wants nothing of it. For this reason, we put a few books in the car and switch them out periodically. In this way, they have something that will captivate them more than bothering one another. It is amazing the difference it makes.

• When I begin to see Corynn and Andrew getting more energetic in the house and I know the next step is going to be acting like monkeys, running and jumping around the house (a no-no here), I ask them to come help me in the kitchen. It works every time. All of a sudden there is something more worthwhile to do and much more fun, anyway. I have just avoided a bad situation and replaced it with something good.

• If children become unkind to one another, it may just be to get some excitement stirred up. Perhaps now is the time to bring out the special paints you bought the other day or a new game. Give them a project to do, preferably together, so that their relationship can be strengthened.

The three principles we talked about yesterday cover a lot of territory when you stop and think about it but certainly there are many more godly principles that need to be learned throughout life, many of which can be taught simply by directing them to scripture. This can be a wonderful way to have your children memorize scriptures that are pertinent to their own lives.

• When children complain we remind them “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” Proverbs 17:22 Whenever you hear them complaining or detect a whiny tone in their voice say “What does a broken spirit do?” or have them repeat the verse back to you.

• We don’t expect our children to stare and point at people with disabilities or make rude comments about someone’s appearances, but rather to accept and embrace them because they are God’s creation and made in His image. Our children aren’t expected to do these things because it would be embarrassing to go to someone’s house and realize it is YOUR child who is the bully of the group or YOUR child is the one who is snickering and pointing to the lady in the wheelchair. You don’t want them to be good and kind just for appearances sake’. Rather, they must show kindness to others because God says to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27)

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.
James 3: 9,10

• Siblings ought to treat each other with respect and love. Here again, I have higher expectations for our family than the world has of siblings groups. For some reason, it is okay for brothers to treat sisters cruelly and for sisters to belittle their brothers. I was in a grocery store bathroom when two sisters came in, a teenager and a young girl about 7. The teenager was shouting and saying “Hurry up twerp. Ugh. You are SUCH an idiot.” My jaw hit the floor. Corynn and I looked at each other, even at six years old she knew that this picture was not as it should be.

Boys and girls are different, as much as we are told otherwise, we know this to be true. They have different roles, they have different insecurities, they act out differently, they have different needs. That is the way we have been made, and we were made that way on purpose. Naturally, the way we approach our children will look differently and it follows, how they approach each other.

Sisters ought to respect their brothers. In doing so, they are practicing giving respect and building people up. Men (and boys) thrive on respect, so Mama and sisters need to give the young men due respect in order to bolster their confidence. It will not only help boys, do wonders for the sibling relationship, but will prepare girls for respecting their husbands some day.

Girls thrive on love and adoration. Brothers can show they care for their sisters by showing kindness to their sisters; like putting their sisters before themselves. In this way, boys are practicing for the day when they have a woman to put first and they are helping to form a close-knit bond with their sister.

It would be an ideal world if there was never a time that siblings argue. That just isn’t realistic since we don’t LIVE in an ideal world. When those inevitable times come, it is important to have a real discussion about this and to redirect them toward holiness; to help your child understand WHY s/he is to love and treat with respect his/her sibling, what God expects of them and why, what you expect of them and why, and finally, refocus their perspective by helping them to understand that their siblings are the best chance at best friends they will ever have~ they are always there, always ready to play, always ready to listen and encourage…and that you just don’t treat your friends that way. In fact, you don’t even treat you ENEMIES that way (Romans 12:20).

Then they must make amends.

Tomorrow we will talk about this crucial aspect of discipline.

~~~~~~~~~~

We are almost through! Hang tight~tomorrow is the FINAL installment in the series. (cue angels choir)

IF anyone is still reading...

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HELLO?!

Raising Abel, Part 6

CHOOSING YOUR BATTLES

So much of life is done, for good or for ill, out of mere habit. This is a magnificent tool for parents. One of the earliest habits our children can (and should) master is obedience. It can become quite second nature to them if it is their habit to obey. One way we can help to FORM the habit of obedience, is to choose our battles wisely.

It is far more just to hold fast to a particular few godly principles than to clutter our childrens’ lives with a plethora of “do’s” and “don’t’s” that are nearly impossible to master. It simplifies things for us as parents, too, when we ensure that the righteous principles are upheld rather than to try to “police” scads of rules and regulations, which we will inevitably fail to do.

Choose your battles wisely, because you absolutely MUST win them.

We demand three things from our children.

1) Absolutely, positively…NO LYING.
2) We expect obedience. True obedience is done quickly and happily.
3) We expect them to be respectful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#1) Every godly home should have a zero-tolerance policy for lying.

These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren. (Proverbs 6:16-19)

If you lie, no matter how small or trivial a lie it was, it must be dealt with immediately. Once your child lies, you have to begin to doubt their honesty, which is tragic and needs to be explained to them. For the older child, this realization can make all the difference. “Lying means Mama can’t trust me anymore and that she will have to believe other people, even if I might be telling the truth.” The temptation to lie begins VERY young and initially starts out in a seemingly insignificant way… “I didn’t go poopy in my diaper.” “I didn’t snitch a cookie.” “I didn’t take the toy away from sister…” A very dangerous lie begins when children try to get others into trouble. Lies like this can spell disaster for parents, because the question becomes who is believable? And then-what if you are wrong?

Lies can also be played out in various ways... A child says “I didn’t hear you” (when they did) or “I forgot” (when they didn’t) or even when they IMPLY something that isn’t true. A real-life example from our home: a few months ago Matt called me on the way home from work as is his custom and I heard the upstairs phone click on as someone listened for a while, then eventually click off. Corynn came downstairs moments later and whispered to me “Who is it, Mama?” with her big, cow eyes. Now, the girl is clever but didn’t seem to be at that moment. I simply said “You know who it was, didn’t you?” and she immediately apologized and waited until I was off the phone~ she knew that what she had done was deceitful. It wasn’t a malicious sin and was generally pretty tame as far as lies go, but it had to be dealt with anyway. Insinuations are just as deceitful as outright lies. It is ever so important to get rid of the temptation to lie. DO NOT STAND for it. EVER. Your child must be trustworthy and honorable. This is important for children AND your training of this principle in the formative years is laying the foundations for the teenage and adult years. If you don’t want a lying teenager, don’t put up with a lying adolescent.
Remember-discipline is character IMPROVEMENT. When our children lie-the lying is a completely separate offense. They get two spankings. One for lying and one for whatever it was that they did that they were trying to cover up. In the above real-life scenario Corynn was spanked (and spoken to and then forgiven) twice; once for lying (the BIG one) and once for being a busybody. Lying is such a natural tendency for people and one that needs to be nipped in the bud from the get-go. If lying is not considered a separate offense, it is easy to understand why children will try to get away with lying, since there will be no repercussions if caught.

He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy. Proverbs 28:13

#2) Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Colossians 3:20 Now therefore hearken unto me O ye children: for blessed are they that keep my ways. Hear instruction and be wise, and refuse it not.” Proverbs 8:32,33)

Obedience must be done, that is what obedience is. But what does true obedience, with a right heart, look like? True obedience is honoring.

"Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you. Deuteronomy 5:16

An honoring way to be obedient is to obey happily, without arguing or complaint. If there is complaint or arguing, there is a heart issue that needs to be taken care of. A motto in this house is “Delayed obedience is disobedience”. If you don’t do what I say to do, when I say to do it, you are not being obedient. But not only that, if you do it begrudgingly, with tears or whinning, grumbling or with an attitude, or with much complaining or argumentation, you are not being honoring OR obedient. It’s very simple, really. Obey happily or it doesn’t count.

#3) The eye that mocketh at his father and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens if the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it. Proverbs 30:17

Hear O my son, and receive my sayings and the years of thy life shall be many. Proverbs 4:10

Why any parent, Christians in particular, allow their children to shout at them or flat out refuse them is beyond me. I can not for the life of me understand it. I hear children shouting “no” at parents at the store and I shake my head in disgust. I hear it in the church and I hang my head in shame.

Remember~ our job as parents is not simply just to “get through the parenting years”. We have a very real responsibility here-not just for today but for a lifetime. We are raising children to grow into adults! There are practical ramifications here. As adults, we need to recognize our superiors and be submissive to them; an employee at NASA (or even the nearest gas station) wouldn’t get very far if he refused to do his boss’ bidding. So there is that…training them for the real world.

But even MORE than that, is our responsibility to train our children to grow to be GODLY men and women. We need to train them to be God-honoring, respectful to authority and obedient to GOD even when it might cost them dearly. We can not DO that, we can not grow those sorts of high-character “big” people, if we do not first take the time to train them as “little” people.

Martyrs who were strung up and burned did so at the great cost of their lives- yet they were obedient unto the end. It is my hope and prayer, that my children will be raised in a way that obedience to God comes naturally. It will not happen if they do not first learn to be obedient to whom God demands them to be obedient to. (Ephesians 6:1, Colossians 3:20)

Our children learned VERY early, NEVER to shout at us or to refuse to do something we asked them to do. It was a very simple, easy lesson to grasp. Because we pounced on that RIGHT AWAY, I cannot recall a single time when they have told us “No” outside of babyhood (when the issue was first addressed).

It is important to note, however, that we would encourage our children to disobey us (and anyone else) if what they were asked to do something contrary to scripture. We don’t want to raise a bunch of YES MEN who obey man at the cost of obeying God. I wouldn’t want my child to say to Hitler “Yes sir, I know several families who are hiding Jews, as a matter of fact!” Rather, I would want our children to be like the Hebrew midwives, discerning good from evil and always obeying God ultimately. (Hebrews 1:19)

These three things are really the only things we spank for.

Many of these things are learned speedily as toddlers and blessedly, don’t have to be punished for over and over ad infinitum once the principle has been established. Some things have to be addressed as they get older and ‘wiser’ (like the arguing their point of view when you ask for obedience) but still, it shouldn’t take long for them to understand the consequences for their actions (and that it is more pleasant to obey.)

If those three things are the only things you punish for, what do you do the rest of the time?

What about those times when "punishment" isn’t really called for?

stay tuned for tomorrow....

Raising Abel. part 5

Spanking is a very controversial subject nowadays. Much of this has to do with the church adopting worldly views, some of it is a direct reaction to horror stories gone awry. Just recently, I heard in the news a “Christian” family beat a little seven year old girl to DEATH with some sort of plumbing pipe for misspelling words repeatedly while homeschooling. It is precisely these sorts of horrific freak shows that give bad reputations to Christians, homeschoolers, and/or disciplinarians and ultimately, the scriptural form of punishment.

The problem is…no true Christian would ever advocate for a child to be beaten to death (after all, isn’t Christianity itself the very epitome of grace and FORGIVENESS?), no homeschooler in their right minds (religious or not) would advocate for beatings in response to misspelled words and no godly disciplinarian would ever BEAT a child in anger, let alone to the death. Feathers are all a-ruffle about this situation (and rightly so) but in our reactions to this (and other heinous injustices, which is what they are) we are throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Suddenly, people are very afraid to admit that spanking is a godly principle. However, you must only crack open the pages of the bible to be assured of the truth. (Proverbs 13:24) (Proverbs 22:15)(Proverbs 23:13,14)

God, in his infinite wisdom, understood human struggles and weaknesses, and even in the case of training children in the way they ought to go, implemented safe-guards for the well-being of His children. God tells us we must be slow-to-anger (proverbs 14:29) and long-suffering; He warns us not to provoke or exasperate our children (Ephesians 6: 4) and even models for us what we need to be:

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; (Psalm 103:8-11)

Discipline can be God-honoring or NOT. We have discussed some forms of discipline from both sides of the coin. In the same way, punishment can be God-honoring but done wrongly, it is NOT. Beating your child to death is OBVIOUSLY wrong as EVERYONE would agree (and I for one, am GLAD that couple is in jail) but there are far-less drastic ways to punish your child wrongly that we need to also be careful of.

One of the best, most all-encompassing safeguards to punishing a child wrongly is to NOT punish in ANGER.

It is very important to us in this house to not be ANGRY when we are disciplining our children, or punishing them for wrong-doing. You ought to be able to have a normal conversation with your child. If you can not do that, you need to step away from the situation and pray for calm, and only after you have controlled yourself can you continue on. If we are angry, then WE are the ones acting out in sin. Your children should not be responding to you because of how loud you shout or how scary you sound, or from the neck veins that are bulging from your ever reddening face. In that case, they are responding out of fear, not out of an obedient heart. You are also, incidentally, teaching them by example how to be full of folly and lacking self-control. (Proverbs 14:29 and 2 Peter 1:5,6)

If, on the other hand, you train them to respond in obedience to your request because they are honoring God by honoring you, then you are teaching them to be obedient all of their days. (Exodus 20:12) It is enough then, to say “Do this” or “Don’t do that” in a calm, quiet authoritative voice and to expect obedience from it.

So many people find spanking to be offensive and abusive-but that view has come about by witnessing punishments, being dealt with WRONGLY. Godly punishment looks FAR different.

Remember too, spanking is not the be-all and end-all of discipline. Spanking should not be done in a vacuum, it MUST be accompanied by TEACHING.

Before we spank, we sit down with the child and talk to them about what they have done wrong. We do this is a calm, slow and quiet voice. Most often they tell US what they have done wrong. We discuss why what they have done was wrong and what God says about it. We make eye contact as we talk. We spank them. We wait until they have calmed down and they apologize to us for what they did. And get this: we FORGIVE them!!! (How novel!)

Not only do we think it, but we AFFIRM it with our words…we say “I forgive you. And I KNOW you will do better next time.” We kiss, we hug, we tickle, we laugh.

In a moment, they are beaming. We have dealt with the problem, lifted the burden of guilt from them, and affirmed that even though they were naughty-they are GOOD children, we love them and we have faith in them. In five minutes-the problem is resolved, the lesson has been learned and life can move on~ happily. (This is far different from the time-outs, where your child only sits, stewing and growing more and more bitter by the minute.)

Viewing an exchange like this, as God intended, would give people a renewed sense of hope in regards to child-rearing and godly forms of discipline. No~ spanking isn’t meant to harm, maim or mutilate, on the contrary, it is actually an outpouring of love and life-GIVING.

My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction. For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. Proverbs 3:11,12

For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life. Proverbs 6:23

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the “spankings don’t work on my child” line. It is a broken record, I tell you. Here is what I have to say about that: if it ain’t working, you ain’t doing it right!
Read on for some…Ineffective forms of punishment:

JUST spanking. Spankings are not nearly as effective if there isn’t a dialogue before/after them. We are raising our children to be more than little “yes Ma’am robots” but to, Lord willing, grow with WISDOM and UNDERSTANDING. It is with this goal in mind that we need to discipline our children. Spankings should never stand alone but be enveloped in the reasoning and the teaching from the scriptures.

Don’t wail your child’s bum when they pass by. I see this all the time. Parents get frustrated to the point of exasperation, grab their kids by the arm and wail their backsides. This is NOT a spanking. Not only could that hurt their little backs, but you don’t actually even address WHY he/she was getting a spanking (and learning is the end GOAL of all punishments) That is NOT a picture of righteous discipline. It is, in fact, TOTALLY worthless and actually, abusive. They will learn to steer clear of getting within arms length of you, but that is about it.

You should not ignore a problem over and over again just to SNAP and tear the poor kid apart. How confusing is that? To let him/her get away with something over and over again and THEN, all of a sudden say enough is enough?! That is cruel and unfair and VERY confusing to the poor child. Be slow to anger, abounding in love...

Spanking on diapers. Spankings are not supposed to be comfortable but they aren’t supposed to do damage either. If your child is not “affected” by spankings then they are either not hard enough or not done in the right place. We spank on the top of the thigh-just outside of diaper range where there is no lovely cushioning to make it “tickle”.

The point of spanking is to sting-not to damage. Spanking with hands can cause damage and can be more painful to you than them. When Andrew was a toddler and would get a spanking, he would walk away without a tear and my hand would be stinging like crazy. The spankings didn’t even faze him. That’s when I tried the wooden spoon on the thigh. It serves it’s purpose without hurting you, stings but does not inflict damage (which again-is NOT what spankings are for) and makes the whole spanking experience a learning one instead of just an intermission to their playing.

Don’t embarrass them. If you are in a room full of people-take your child somewhere private to discipline him. It would be embarrassing to get a spanking (or even a reprimand!) in front of your friends. (This is not only true for the young child getting spanked, but for the teenager who needs to be spoken to.) Respect your child.

Finally~there must be closure. There must be forgiveness. There must be love. If your child walks away still upset, then there is something very wrong. If you walk away all tied in knots, there is something very wrong. The Lord forgives us TIME and TIME again. We need to show that same mercy and forgiveness to our children.

With all this talk of spanking, you would think we do it all the time when in fact, we rarely have to, even with our children as young as they are. When you are consistent and diligent, laying a firm foundation even for the very young, as they get older they understand authority, respect their boundaries and obey them. I have already been enjoying the fruits of my labor, as my children, as young as they are, have a very clear understanding of how to avoid spankings...they just don’t have to break the rules I have worked for years instilling and since they are smart cookies, they avoid them like the plaque!

SO. When DO we spank? Find out, tomorrow.

Raising Abel, Part 4

Yesterday we talked about some great ways to encourage our children toward obedience.
We talked about expecting excellence and setting our children up for success, which require both diligence and consistency on our part and lots and lots of praise.

It is always unwise to adopt principles based on a reaction to any culture based in wrong thinking so before I go on any further, perhaps it would be wise to address a common modern-day philosophy on child-rearing which lacks some important biblical principles. That is, the permissive philosophy which allows children free reign to make their own choices and mistakes and then suffer the consequences (or not) accordingly. This is a hands-off parenting approach that forces the child to “learn their own” life lessons. Children will learn quickly not to touch the stove if they first burn their fingers. Teenagers will learn not to binge drink because everybody knows the aftermath is not so pleasant to live through (if you do).

Of course, children are little people and God created people to have free will, so there is no denying that throughout life our children are going to be making decisions to act righteously (or not), to be obedient (or not). The problem, of course, is that it is through dying to ones’ self that people are able to make the right choices, a choice which comes unnaturally. Their fate will be similar to Adams. The underlying principle for the permissive philosophy is that there is not any TEACHING going on, no mentoring, and no real LEADING or encouragement.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Psalm 23: 1-3

I love this illustration because the pasture itself is a discipline, for it has boundaries. And yet, we have freedom to romp and frolic and explore within those parameters. It also makes very clear that the Lord LEADS, GUIDES and directs. He MAKES us lie down in green pastures. So, too, we ought to be LEADING, GUIDING and DIRECTING our children along life-giving, righteous paths. It is not out of line to make safe boundaries for our children and expect their obedience. We can do so, for His names’ sake.

The permissive philosophy also discounts the fact that the Lord has put into place certain authorities that we might learn from, grow and find encouragement by. In Titus 1, we find that the Elders within a church are held to a higher standard, that those under their authority might have good examples to RISE up to and that the elders might have wisdom to lead in right paths and rebuke and oppose foolish ones. Titus 2 spells out the importance of older women to be reverent and to teach what is good to the younger women.

These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you. Titus 2:15

If the teachings of our modern-day cultural philosophy go against the timeless biblical teachings of God, then we are to cast them out. God tells us we need to exemplify, teach, admonish, encourage and rebuke. These are all ACTIVE, not passive (or permissive) methods.

Okay, that said, we now have a better understanding of what a godly philosophy on child-rearing is. We now know that the biblical example is ACTIVE.
But even as parents take an active part in the training of their children, they can still approach it wrongly.

So today, I want to share what I consider to be ineffective (and often damaging) forms of discipline:

Lots of parents today mistakenly use these methods as their sole forms of discipline. Others, can fall in the trap of using them when they are frustrated or at their wits’ end. Whatever category we fall into, it would be beneficial to all of us to talk about what these methods are REALLY teaching.

Yelling. I like to call this the decibel method of discipline. This is an EASY one to fall into but we must try VERY HARD to avoid this method at all costs. Yelling teaches quite a few things, none of which we actually would want taught. First, it teaches your child that you don’t really “mean it” until your voice escalates to a certain level. Of course, it follows then, that your children have learned that they don’t have to obey you right away because your voice hasn’t hit its’ “serious yell”. Yelling can also teach your children to be fearful of you. They will obey out of fear when they are young but someday, you won’t be nearly as frightening and then what will cause them to obey? It certainly won’t be the admiration, respect and honor that they have for you. As if THAT weren’t enough, yelling also magnifies our OWN sin and teaches our children, by example, exactly the opposite of what God wants from us (to be slow to anger and even-tempered).

He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. Proverbs 16:32

Ignoring disobedience: If you ask your son to clean his room and you go up, find it a disaster, then go about making supper… must I really expound on this? But it really does happen and to the best of us. what can I say? DUH. If children are told to do (or not do) something and they don’t obey AND GET AWAY WITH IT without consequences, how can we ever expect obedience? We are teaching them that what we say is negotiable. It can be easier for us to overlook disobedience than deal with it head on…but

The hand of the diligent shall bear rule: but the slothful shall be under tribute. Proverbs 12:24

Counting to three (for the young crowd): We have a mantra in our house: DELAYED OBEDIENCE IS DISOBEDIENCE. To count to three, then, is only to encourage disobedience. You are training your children to obey when THEY want to which not only trains them to disobey but also to think of themselves as God, giving them the power and control to make their own decisions. If you have to count for obedience, your child is in control of the situation, not you. (Not to mention: people hardly ever follow through with whatever threat they made in the first place…)

Speaking of which…

Empty threats. Empty threats are just lies masquerading as discipline. Did you read that? Empty threats are LIES. LIES. So, if we lie to our children about what “we will do to them” and they know that we actually won’t, then please don’t be surprised if your children grow up spouting off lies at you. Not only did you ALLOW lying in their lives, but you encouraged it by example. The only thing your son/daughter is learning when you threaten is that you are untrustworthy. And thus, they learn to be untrustworthy too.

A true witness delivereth souls: but a deceitful witness speaketh lies. Proverbs 14:25

Time-outs (again, for the young ones). Personally, I think time-out is malarkey and even a bit harmful. Here is why: At the very best, they are playing happily in their room without a care. They are NOT “thinking about what they have done” and you are not MAKING them, by discussing things with them. At the worst~ you are separating yourself from your child while he/she is upset and bitter and letting him/her stew about it, allowing the bitterness toward you to just quietly erupt in their rooms. The only purpose that would serve would be to train your children in bitterness and resentfulness. I know time-outs don’t work because that method is nowhere to be found in the Bible. (Time-outs are different, by the way, than having some quiet time to settle down if the children get too rambunctious. There have been times when the children are running around the house, yelling and being obnoxious and I know that what they need most is some down-time. It is then that I say "OK everyone. Everyone grab their own couch and some books and lets read QUIETLY until___________." I am referring specifically to time-outs as a form of discipline or punishment. There are also appropriate times when you as a parent need a time-out in order to calm down so as not to sin by disciplining in anger (more on that later).

Inconsistency. Consistency is faithfulness, and through it, we are teaching our children faithfulness. When we are inconsistent, on the other hand, we are no longer dependable to our children. We confuse them unnecessarily. If we allow them to do one thing one time and the next time punish them for it, how does that make sense? This is a surefire way to exasperate our children.

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. Colossians 3:21

Bribery. I have heard parents tell their children, who are pitching a royal fit “Do you want some chocolate milk?” or “Do you want a piece of candy?” (Not joking) “I will give you a dollar every time you obey me without complaining…” (read that one in a parenting magazine) A child should not be rewarded for disobedience or given the luxury of deciding how good he wants the pot to be when he decides he wants to be obedient. On the contrary, his reward ought to be the pleasure God feels toward his obedience, and yours as well.

If a child is so out of control that bribery is your attempt to regain control, what the child needs then is punishment.

Tomorrow, we will look at what godly reproof looks like...and what it DOESN'T.

Raising Abel, part 3

For previous parts in this series, go here:
Raising Abel, Part 1
Raising Abel, Part 2

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In the last Raising Abel post, I told you what I consider the four "KEYS" to godly, Christian child-rearing, or discipline. They are:

We need to direct our children to God, in all things.
We need to model excellence to our children.
We need to expect excellence from our children.
We need to set them up for success.

We have already discussed the first two (in part 2), now let's talk about Key #3 and Key #4...

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We need to expect excellence from our children.
The righteous is more excellent than his neighbor (Proverbs 12:26) The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable (Proverbs 10:32)

Despite what the media tells us, children acting like monsters ISN’T normal. I hate watching movies and TV shows because IF there are children, they are portrayed as awful little hellions or rude, obnoxious teenagers. (Don't believe me? Check out this commercial. ) The message is very clear and effective: I wouldn’t want children either, if I didn’t know that there is something better than what is portrayed.

Expecting excellence from our children means not comparing them to the world and being content to find them common and average. Rather, it means having children set apart.

We are to be Salt in the world, right? That means, we are to give good flavor to the world~to preserve the world. How can we do this if we are on the same level as the world? Teenage girls should act/look different and have different goals in life….better than their worldly peers. Young men must be raised to be just that, instead of the immature “gamers” of the day. Tweens ought to be concerned less about boys and more about helping out their Mama or pursuing their own hobbies/interests. Godly children need to be less materialistic and less demanding than their cultural counterparts and yes, even babies, ought to be set apart.

What is it NOT?

Expecting excellence is not making excuses for your children like “He is just tired…” or “She is so wound up and excited…” when they are being awful. It is not putting up with the tantrums of your stubborn and demanding two year old because he is, after all, in “the terrible twos”. It is not rationalizing bad behavior with the prevalent issues of the day (Aspergers, ADD, being slow, ADHD and the like). Not that these may not be real issues in your childs’ life, but even the most difficult disabilities still require good discipline~what it DOESN’T need is accommodation and rationalization. (Look at the Keller family, the smothering done and the resulting MONSTER named Helen. Being deaf, blind and mute, her situation was more grim than any ADHD or aspergers of today. But it took the hard-nosed, no-excuses (yet loving) teacher to make Helen not only behave, but BLOSSOM.)

Expecting excellence in our children, I am afraid, requires more from US than them, usually. You see, our children were born in sin and as a result struggle, DAILY, with their own sinful tendencies. They WILL fall short. To expect that not to happen is to have your head in the clouds. To lead them and guide them, and HELP those tendencies to become a weaker force in their lives, we need to give MORE of ourselves. DAILY. WHEN they are struggling, BEFORE they are struggling, and AFTER they have struggled. This requires incredible diligence on our part. I firmly believe, child discipline is more about disciplined parents than anything else.

Some very important strategies for expecting excellence:

BE CONSISTENT.
Discipline only works if it is done in a consistent way. Notice I said “DISCIPLINE”. That means not JUST punishment (although punishment times demand it as well) but every-day/ all-day child training. If you always expect respect, you will eventually always GET respect. If you always expect the truth, there will come a time when you will always get it. In the same way, if you only expect truth when you are not tired or only expect respect when you are not already too busy to address the issue, then you will get occasional respect and occasional truth. If we are not consistent, then all the work we have done thus far was for naught.

Consistency can be very difficult for me. Sometimes by the end of the day you are so TIRED; sometimes you are just physically tired or emotionally tired, or you can be distracted, sometimes it would just be EASIER to just overlook it, sometimes you were right in the middle of some special, fun times with your child andto discipline will spoil the moment, sometimes the last thing you want to do is interrupt what you are doing for the fourth (fifth, sixth) time… There are so many temptations to not be consistent. Bringing up your children (especially those stubborn ones!) can be utterly exhausting (as is most worthwhile, time-consuming work) but the Lord says

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)

This is extremely important because if you “let it slide”, even just once or twice, then all the work of the punishment before was futile. They have learned that SOMETIMES it isn’t a big deal to disobey (or backtalk, or lie, etc.) And guess what? YOU were the one who taught it to them.

Be ye encouraged~if you are consistent, the rule will soon be stuck in their heads and obeying it will be second nature to them.

Set them Up for Success~

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.(1 Thess. 5:11) But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.(Hebrews 3:13)

It is the loving and wise parent, who considers her childs’ frame and takes these considerations to heart when dealing with him/her. Doug and Nancy Wilson have used the illustration of a tank of gas. When your heart (the tank) is full of love, time, adoration and you are feeling very satisfied, it is easy to keep chugging along down the right road. When you are running on “fumes”, your journey is going to be a bumpy one and will eventually be cut short.

Feeling burdened and weakened, for whatever reason, only intensifies our own weaknesses and makes them harder to master. We need to be sure our childrens’ tanks are FULL before we can expect a picturesque route on his/her road to adulthood.

Considering our childrens’ frames takes many different forms. Let’s look at some of them.

Remember how I said “Don’t make excuses for your childrens’ misbehavior?”
The almost INSTANT response of a parent whose child is naughty in front of other parents is “Johnny is just tired. He didn’t get his nap.” (Or something of the like.) It is almost laughable how often I hear it. I have even been known to say it, and I always shutter once it escapes my lips, because while it may be TRUE that they are acting out because they are tired, *I* was the one that allowed them to stay up too late and I was the ADULT who could have made a better decision to avoid the situation.

I get extra emotional when I am tired. So it makes sense that my children can go from being little darlings to little RAMBOs if they get that “second wind” after exhaustion has hit. As parents, we KNOW these things and have the authority and responsibility to ACT on them. The solution is simple really~ if our children get crazy when they are sleep deprived~ make sure they get enough sleep! It’s that simple! Saturday nights we make sure the children get to bed early, because our church service is several hours long and can be hard for children to sit through, therefore, we make sure they are rested for the day, to make it a joy and not a burden.

If your son or daughter gets upset easily when they have to leave fun places (as most children do) prepare them ahead of time. A simple “we are going to leave in five minutes” helps children to adjust to the fact happily, and avoid a meltdown. As adults, we appreciate knowing things are going to be happening ahead of time, children who have less control over their situations appreciate it even more.

Do not compare your children with one another. “If you were more like Johnny…” It is hard to be compared to ANY child, it is all the more devastating when you are comparing one sibling to another. This can break the spirit of your child and may even pit one sibling against another.

A teenagers’ frame needs to be considered too, possibly even more so than the younger childs. Remember the feelings you had when you were too old to be a kid and too young to be a grown up? Those were HARD times. Teenagers have the wonderful capability, unlike their younger counterparts, of actually verbalizing how they feel and letting you in…provided you ask (and HEAR). Understand their crazy hormones and give them the support and encouragement they need.

Another very sad manifestation of our own sin is when we harbor bitterness against our children and use it to wound them. We do this when we say spiteful things about them within earshot “Pamela has been failing math-but what do you EXPECT when you text instead of doing homework!?” Worse yet, do not tear down your children with their past shortcomings. “Yes, well, you BROKE my favorite rocking chair last year and now you are doing THIS…” Don’t hold things over their heads. Or remind them of their shortcomings. To truly forgive means you must be DONE with it. Don’t keep score.

These actions are only reflecting our OWN sinful weaknesses. They are not helping Pamela become focused on her Math. Rather, they are pushing Pamela even further AWAY from you.

On the flip side, here is something that EVERY parent could do a better job of:
PRAISING your children for a job well done. This is where the heart-tank FILL UPs happen. Always correcting and never praising is like a boss who always demands but never appreciates. No one, anywhere, any age wants to work under authority like that.

You catch more flies with HONEY than vinegar.

If they do well in school, praise them. (WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED. For example: Sarah shows off a B+ on her last science exam. DO NOT SAY “WELL WELL! Good job on your science. Now, if only you would work so hard in HISTORY.” Do you see how this could shatter the small inkling of hope they have, especially for those children who find school difficult?)
If they obey immediately, without arguing, PRAISE them. Tell them how wonderful it was to see.
If they have told the truth for a long spell, tell them how wonderful it is to be able to not have to question their truthfulness.
If they do something without being asked, give them the positive feedback they deserve!

The effects of praising can not be underestimated. Let’s try not to just be the big, mean law-enforcing parents here, but give them some sugar too.

I hear it makes the medicine go down!

Raising Abel, Part 2

If we must ask our children five times to do something before they consider doing it (or count to 10, or give three chances, etc) we can point that gnarled finger of blame right on ourselves for conditioning our children into disobedience by not expecting immediate (true) obedience. If our teenagers are rolling their eyes at us, we were the ones who trained them to disrespect their elders, likely LONG before they were teenagers. If our children are serial liars, it is not because they “just have a real problem with lying”, it is because WE failed to train them to turn aside from wickedness.

When my oldest recently began contemplating deeper things, she also began to argue her own viewpoints. This is a psychological milestone; as children get older their brains can produce more complicated thought. They observe more, question more and can begin to express more mature thought processes and this is good and natural. Unfortunately, while I encouraged her deeper reflections, I also somehow let her tendencies toward contradicting me slide until one day I asked her to do something and she argued with me about it, loudly. It shocked me…then I realized, there have been little arguments, leading up to this for a while now, but I never jumped on them as I should have. In time, silly little things grew more common and eventually, compounded. I hung my head in shame, knowing that it was MY inconsistencies that had allowed her arguing to get to the point they had, not hers.

I will be the first to (LOUDLY) proclaim that our children have blame. Our little sweetlings have sin natures from their forefather Adam, just as we have. We can and should expect our children to sin and I am not downplaying that. As they get older, they sin in different and more complicated ways. I am suggesting that wise parents can (and ought to) lead and direct children down the right paths (despite their sin nature) and help them steer clear of wickedness. It is not a lost cause, God says that if train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6) He also says that if we acknowledge their sin and give them correction and reproof, we are bathing them in LOVE (Proverbs 13:24) AND that when we are faithful as disciplinarians, our children will not turn away from us, but in fact will love and adore us for it. (Proverbs 9:8)
The first step in remedying a problem is finding out the root of the problem, and usually, I am afraid, it is us.

Now that we know that we are main components in this problem, let’s figure out what we can do about it. What we SHOULD have been doing about it all along…

To start: a definition of terms:

Discipline is “training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.” (thefreedictionary.com)

Punishment is a penalty imposed for wrongdoing.

DISCIPLINE has no bad connotation but rather, is an optimistic, worthwhile pursuit. Its job is to improve. This is important because discipline is not something to shy away from but to embrace. Punishment is a MEANS of discipline, and a very small one at that. (Praise is also a means of discipline, incidentally) I say this because “spankers” sometimes feel like the fact that they spank puts us automatically on the high road to godly parenting/discipline and that is not always the case. Punishment is a very small part of disciplining and if we “get” the small part, that doesn’t necessarily mean we “get” the HUGE part:

6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.
7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ~Deuteronomy 6:5-8 (see also Deuteronomy 11: 18-21)

Every moment of every day some form of discipline is happening. We can discipline our children to be lazy or to be hard-workers, to be self-controlled or the opposite. Our children can be disciplined to obey or to ignore, to be spendthrifts or show discipline with their money. We can train our children to shout at us or respect us.

So what are the “secrets” to godly, Christian discipline?

• We need to direct our children to God, in all things.

• We need to model excellence to our children.

• We need to expect excellence from our children.

• We need to set them up for success.

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We need to direct our children to God, in all things.
The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice: and he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy of him. (Proverbs 23:24)

This means, we can’t only expect our children to be good “because we say so” but to understand their calling to obedience by God. Help them understand the big picture, that obedience isn’t just for appearances’ sake. Our ultimate goal, remember is not to have little children who do no wrong to parade around, but to grow children who love God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength (Luke 10:27) Yes-this takes TIME. It also takes commitment AND understanding what scripture actually says on a subject.

Don’t just tell your child that lying is wrong. Tell them why. Tell them what the bible says about lying. Tell them what happens to those that lie.

Our boys need to be hard-workers and they need to understand that this character trait is what God looks for in mature men, so that they might one day lead, protect and provide for their families one day.

Our teenage girl in the low-cut jeans and the painted on shirt needs to understand that our request for her to change doesn’t come from our prudish modesty standards, but comes from scripture. They need to know WHY their dress is inappropriate and what God is protecting them from.

EVERYTHING needs to be anchored in the foundation of God’s truth.

We need to model excellence to our children.
The righteous of the perfect shall direct his way (Proverbs 11:8) Righteousness keepeth him that is upright in the way (Proverbs 13:6) “Abraham is our father,” they answered.
“If you were Abraham's children,” said Jesus, “then you would† do the things Abraham did. (John 8:39)

Ever hear the saying “Do as I say, not as I do?” There is a reason that is funny….because everyone knows that, unfortunately, that is not how it works. (If only it were that simple!) It’s a humbling experience to parent, because as our children grow, we can see our own sins and weaknesses’ in our children. Why? Because we have modeled it so well! *sigh*

When I struggle with impatience, it is easy to understand why my children will lack patience. If we loudly complain about EVERYONE else and what they are doing wrong, it’s no wonder our children end up with pride issues. Here is a big one that I see *ALL THE TIME*: if you lie to your child, you can expect no different from him! I know many parents don’t outright lie to their children. But so many times they lie without even realizing it…If we say we are going to do something, whether it is a promise (good) or a threat (bad), we had better follow through, otherwise we are LYING and our children will begin to understand that lying is sometimes acceptable “because Mama and Papa tell me all the time they are going to do something and then don’t.” (more on this one later)

This point really means that, despite our age, we are not through with discipline. We must have self-discipline and be growing in our faith and obedience toward God every day of our lives, even as adults. We ought to have a zero-tolerance policy on our OWN sins, because how can we expect our children to be holy when we are not? In doing so, we model to our children the determination and earnest desire to become MORE holy which is one of the best life lessons we could ever give them.

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Guess that is enough to chew on for today! More to come another day!

(If you missed Part 1: Here it is)