The lovely, reminiscent trip I took down rye dip memory lane, had me oogling in a way I hadn’t for many years. For a brief moment, as I took the time to recall those faraway days, I was back in the emotional throws of young love and I was feeling things just as I remember feeling them-the little heart tingles and the shivers of excitement. It was a good thing, very good, and after contemplating things for a bit, I decided I didn’t want the tingles to stop. So, here I am again. To tell our STORY. To the Panda and RynnieRoo halfway done growing, or perhaps who have by now reached adulthood. (This is, after all, the blog of not-so-secretive memories from our home. From our life. Here and now, and way back when.) And to you, my friends and family. And especially to me-one who is in desperate need of some romantic tinglies going right on down my spine. And so, I invite you to join me for the soap opera of my life, learn things about me that not many people know (that will soon change! Hehehe) and maybe, by the knowing of these things, you can understand how I turned out to be who I am today. Maybe. I am, after all, so VERY complex an individual! ;-)
In order to know where you are going, often you must look back to where you came from and so it goes with me. I begin this story, long before marriage had occurred to me, in the days when I was uncomfortably older than children and unfortunately younger than adults; a place that was awkwardly, confusingly my own. The days of high school.
I was a freshman in a public high school and in desperate need of ‘fitting in’. I stood shoulders above the girls in my class and a head above the boys. I was starting out in an entirely new school-the land of HIGH SCHOOL, where all nightmares come true! (Thank the LORD I am homeschooling!hehehe) All the girls were pairing up with guys and all the guys were intimidated by me. I was alone and feeling it. I was the odd duck, the third wheel, and the only one solo on my whole hallway. All I wanted was to have someone care about me…and that someone came midway through the year. His name was Sam Hill (no, I am NOT kidding.) He was on the football team, though it seemed a lie at looking at him. He was scrawny and short, yet popular and funny. And best of all, he showed interest in ME. I wouldn’t have to be a loner! So-we became a ‘couple’. In high school, a ‘couple’ entails passing notes, and walking home holding hands, and by all means, for a week it went just that way. Then, one day-he tried to kiss me and did-right on my mom’s front porch. But then-it got a wee bit too…ummm…passionate for my liking and I found out how GROSS another persons spit can taste. I pushed him away, and broke up with him on the spot, though somehow I managed to do it in a kind way. He left, despite my efforts to be kind, in a huff and evilly scheming his revenge.
Revenge came the very next day at school. It was like those high school movies that you watch now when awful kids point and laugh and say awful things to the ‘nerdy’ kid. That nerdy kid was me-except on my head was NOT the label of nerd. It was ‘hooker’. I found out, through some very crude whispers, the lies that Sam Hill had told about me. In one fell swoop he had tarnished my name and my reputation…and my heart too. I went home that day crying-and didn’t look at anyone or anything until I threw myself on my bed. I cried for a long time and the world seemed like it was ending. In one bad decision~my life had been ruined. Or so I thought. I was SO pained, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t speak-for words wouldn’t come. I could think of NOTHING else except what people had said about me. I stared at the ceiling unseeingly. I closed my eyes-but saw things ever so clearly. For a long time it was that way. The daylight coming in from the window eventually began to fade and I decided that it was time I “put out the fleece” and see if God really DID love me enough to show me what to do. So I said in a whisper and quite unbelievingly “God, if you love me, when I open up the bible, you will point me to scripture that will help me through this…” I know I know. It was dumb. I was stupid and immature and unbelieving. But I was at my wits end and didn’t know where to turn.
When I flipped open my bible, I looked and had turned to 2nd Corinthians, chapter 6. And the very first verse I saw was 14… Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 15 And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?
A little gasp escaped my lips because in truth, I had never expected in my heart for me to be led to an answer by reading scripture. I never expected God to answer me, and yet he did, in spite of my disbelief. Despite my testing, He did.
I was shocked and amazed and I did what any surprised persons would do in a situation like that: I read the whole chapter, which incidentally, had many other truths relevant to my situation.
That day, on my bed donning a saturated-with-tears shirt and a swollen and red face, I thanked God for His answer to my prayer, for sending his Son to die on the cross for me, for leading me in RIGHT paths, for His protection, for His promises, for His love. I prayed and I prayed, with vision and clarity I hadn’t ever known. And I made a vow. To God and MYSELF, that I would NOT set myself up for future failure. That I would NOT tempt myself to fall in love with someone who I could not ‘end up with’, that I WOULD guard my heart.
That night, despite the traumatic happens of the day, I slept better than I had ever slept before.
To be continued…